Part 2: Creating A ‘New Landscape..’
Landscape (Red-Yellow-Green) – Emile Nolde. Wikioo.
In last week’s post, we looked at a different meaning of ‘forgetting,’ discussing Bion’s phrase about the therapist needing to begin each session with the patient ‘without memory or desire.’ This is, as we have a seen, a kind of withholding of both of these human faculties, in the interests of the patient.
Could this idea of setting memory aside be useful in the context of our own lives? In order to further elucidate this idea, we might look at the words of Clarissa Pinkola Estes.
She regards this as an act of ‘conscious forgetting,’ choosing to work through the feelings associated with the difficult memory and then deliberately aiming to keep these away from the forefront of our minds.
Estes has clearly described this alternative meaning of ‘forgetting’ in her book “Women Who Run With the Wolves.”
“Conscious forgetting means wilfully dropping the practice of obsessing, intentionally outdistancing and losing sight of it, not looking back, thereby living in a new landscape, creating new life and new experiences to think about instead of old ones.”
Clarissa Pinkola Estes
Such a ‘new landscape’ might mean that we feel freer to get on with our lives, less hampered by the past.
“This kind of forgetting does not erase memory, it lays the emotion surrounding the memory to rest.”
Clarissa Pinkola Estes
Can we explore and develop the “art” of this different kind of forgetting, without in any way casting aspersions on remembering? In some situations, could this kind of conscious forgetting, or refraining from remembering, actually be a good thing?
It seems to me that, whilst remembering is often really crucial, in some circumstances, we need to learn to forget.
Andy (Andrea Fumagalli) Remembering. 2015. Gandalf’s Gallery. Flickr.
“Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart.”
Haruki Murakami
Memories can be sweet and pleasant; they can also be painful and distressing, or somewhere in between.
Mary Chiaramonte – These Memories Too Are Bound To Die [2014]Gandalf’s Gallery. Flickr
This kind of ‘forgetting’ is about, in time, being able to reduce the power of the memory to stop us living productively. It is about having the courage to go on, not in denial, but fully knowing what has happened, whilst nevertheless carrying our lives forward….
The Awakening (c. 1900), as illustration to writing by Leo Tolstoy.
“…I stir in bed and the memories rise out of me like a buzz of flies from a carcass. I crave to be rid of them…”
Barbara Kingsolver
Sometimes, however, memories are just too horrific to be faced and worked through, or perhaps we do not have the ego-strength to do so.
- This Is Often The Case In Relation To Survivors Of The Holocaust…..
Manfred Heyman (b.1929), Holocaust Survivor – Silvia Gayler. Wikioo.
Whilst some survivors of the concentration camps had a desperate and immediate need to testify and impart their terrible stories, and did so, others were unable to speak after their release.
Anokarina.“Monument” by Christian Boltanski, 1989. Wikimedia Commons.
“Forgetting extermination is part of extermination.”
Jean Baudrillard
Additionally, there were few people available who could listen to their stories in an empathic way; survivors were often pathologised and seen as abnormal, rather than as traumatised people reacting ‘normally’ to abnormal circumstances.
Thus, given that some survivors were unable to speak and others unable to listen, it may be that the long years of silence after liberation were for many a necessary part of the process of survival, on both an individual and collective basis:
“All those who remembered were blown away afterwards like sawdust in the wind. Their brooding thoughts drove them insane. Only those who had the ability to forget lived long. All those who possessed excellent memories died.”
Because of fears such as retraumatisation, or suicide, or of not being believed or empathically heard, many survivors had to put aside their memories, so that they were stored away in a kind of ‘time-capsule.’
Many years after, some of those who had not spoken felt safe enough to share their memories and retrieve them from the recesses of their minds. They gave talks, testimony, and some had therapy.
- Forgetting Ourselves.
People Preoccupied – Jack Butler Yeats. Wikioo.
“Develop an interest in life as you see it; the people, things, literature, music – the world is so rich, simply throbbing with rich treasures, beautiful souls and interesting people. Forget yourself.”
Henry Miller
Why do we need to forget ourselves? What does ‘forgetting ourselves’ really mean?
The poet Mary Oliver has neatly encapsulated this idea:
The Betrothed and Eiffel Tower – Marc Chagall. Wikioo.
“Love yourself. Then forget it. Then, love the world.”
Mary Oliver
Shyness, self-consciousness, fear and lack of self-esteem can make us constantly ‘remember’ ourselves, anxiously aware of the self and how we are seen by others. This can be very debilitating and can mean we might find it hard to relate to those around us.
Shy – Fuzoku Sanju-ni So – (Tsukioka Yoshitoshi)
“Sylvanus was more than shy of himself. A hot rush of blood causing him a curious discomfort, would mount up to his head at the merest approach to physical self-consciousness. He had to forget himself, or he couldn’t go on!”
John Cowper Powys
Forgetting ourselves means that we are able to turn our attention, empathy and focus to others and to the world around us. We do not feel self-conscious or or ill at ease because we have ensured that our self-care has included mental as well as physical attention.
- Self-Care.
Paradoxically, self-care is the first step on the journey towards eventually being able to forget ourselves, for if we cannot love and accept ourselves, then we will be unable to love others, and will not feel safe enough ‘forget’ ourselves.
“But this revolutionary act of treating ourselves tenderly can begin to undo the aversive messages of a lifetime.”
Tara Brach
Self-care is taking time to give ourselves the continued attention we need to keep us healthy in mind and body.
As well as looking after our bodies, allowing ourselves to engage in psychotherapy is certainly a way in which we can care for and protect ourselves, freeing ourselves from the heavy weight of traumatic memories.
Alfred Stevens – The Bath [1873-74] Wikimedia Commons.
“Go for long walks,
indulge in hot baths,
Question your assumptions,
be kind to yourself,
live for the moment,
loosen up, scream,
curse the world,
count your blessings,
Just let go,
Just be.”Carol Shields
Once we feel more loving and accepting of ourselves, then we may be able to healthily forget ourselves.
“To be able to forget means sanity.”
Jack London.
“A sharp and healthy mind is one that can remember and forget.”
Oliver Burkeman
The Concert – Marc Chagall. Wikioo.
“To forget oneself is to be happy.”
Robert Louis Stevenson
Walking Towards The Light, Cochin – Lucy Willis Wikioo.
“But I know that trying to black out my past with oblivion will just damage my future. I made the decision to stop running from my fears, and to walk slowly and deliberately towards self-nurture, self-respect, and better mental and physical health.”
Jack Monroe
- Making Room: Reverie, Forgetting and Creativity
A Musician’s Reverie. John Pettie.Aberdeen Art Gallery & Museums.Artuk.org.
“The prerequisite of originality is the art of forgetting, at the proper moment, what we know.”
Arthur Koestler
Allowing ourselves to be creative can include a kind of forgetting, a reverie. This is a state of mind that is relaxed, silent, freeing, a kind of creative mind-wandering or imaginative daydreaming.
This is a liberating experience, one that leaves us the room to be inventive, free of irrelevances, ‘forgetting’ the everyday, and able to be, as Koestler says, original and innovative.
Reverie involves a kind of forgetting of extraneous material, with a similar meaning of forgetting to the one I have been exploring in this post.
“Within the branching shade of Reverie
Dreams even may spring till autumn; yet none be
Like woman’s budding day-dream spirit-fann’d.
Lo! tow’rd deep skies, not deeper than her look,
She dreams; till now on her forgotten book
Drops the forgotten blossom from her hand.”Dante Gabriel Rossetti.
Modigliani. Reverie. Wikimedia Commons.
“Creativity is suspended between memory and forgetting.”
Jorge Luis Borges
Such a state of reverie has connections with ‘turning down the noise,’ allowing oneself to temporarily cut off from the hum of the world, inner and outer. These ways of thinking about forgetting are akin to this kind of memory-decrescendo, leaving room for material that is more healthily creative.
“In a world buzzing with information, it is essential to be able to turn down the noise and discard useless details, so they don’t interfere with access to new learning or ideas. Without our awareness, and particularly during sleep, the brain is constantly sorting out which memories to keep and which can be purged and forgotten.”
Wilhelm Trübner. Lake Starnberg.1911. Wikimedia Commons.
The ability to forget helps us prioritize, think better, make decisions, and be more creative. Normal forgetting, in balance with memory, gives us the mental flexibility to grasp abstract concepts from a morass of stored information, allowing us to see the forest through the trees.”
Remembering absolutely everything would mean we would be unable to function in the world; our minds would be overwhelmed, in turmoil. The centre would not hold.
“If remembering tells us who we are, then forgetting keeps us sane. If we recalled every song we’d ever heard, every touch we’d ever felt, every pain no matter how small, every sadness no matter how petty, every joy no matter how selfish, we could surely lose our minds.”
Frances de Pontes Peebles
- Forgetting In Relationships.
Deborah Azzopardi – The Great Escape [2015]Gandalf’s Gallery. Flickr.
“I shall revenge myself in the cruellest way you can imagine. I shall forget it.”
‘Forgiving and forgetting’ is a popular phrase; it is often hard to do either, never mind both. There are experiences in a relationship that we could, and maybe should, never forget.
Sometimes such experiences might mean the end of a relationship. Forgiveness is a personal choice, and no-one should ever be ‘expected’ or ‘advised’ to forgive.
“Forgetting is something time alone takes care of, but forgiveness is an act of volition, and only the sufferer is qualified to make the decision”
Simon Wiesenthal
‘Forgetting’ can also be a kind of weapon, a revenge, as the Steinbeck quotation above points out. This is an angry, rage-filled sort of forgetting; it does not bring peace of mind, although it can be a stage in the process of letting go.
Melancholy – Domenico Fetti. Wikioo.
“In the psyche, when we cannot let something die, the result is that we cannot fully live.”
Lisa Marchiano
Continually harking back to a difficult past can cause enormous, all-consuming pain personally, and in a relationship. Rage and feelings of vengeance can be passed down though the generations and sometimes cannot be forgotten.
However, if we do still want to continue a relationship, despite the difficulties, are there other ways of managing painful memories in order to move forward?
Bernard Fleetwood-Walker – Amity [1933] Gandalf’s Gallery. Flickr.
“Forget what hurt you but never forget what it taught you.”
Kim Taehyung
This quotation is an important one, in that it emphasises the importance of learning in life, and in a relationship, so that we do not repeat old, destructive patterns and ways of being.
“Forgiveness does not mean ignoring what has been done or putting a false label on an evil act. It means, rather, that the evil act no longer remains as a barrier to the relationship. Forgiveness is a catalyst creating the atmosphere necessary for a fresh start and a new beginning.”
Martin Luther King Jr
Again, this kind of ‘forgetting’ and moving forward implies that we do not erase what has happened, nor do we deny it. What is necessary in this case is to prevent the bad experience from being a ‘barrier,’ and ‘forgiving’ in order to have a new start.
“Perhaps no word exists in our terribly inadequate English language to name this abstract, emotional thing that is not forgiveness, is not forgetting, and also is both.”
Janisse Ray.
Perhaps there is a need to develop a selective memory, once issues in the relationship have been discussed, and, hopefully worked through.
We need to try to live for today, for the present moment. This means that, for a healthy life, we will have to try to focus, not on the past or the future, but on reality, on what is happening now.
“Forget: Refuse to dwell; let go and loosen one’s hold, particularly on memory. To forget is an active – not passive – endeavour.”
Clarissa Pinkola Estes
“Don’t speak of vengeance, nor of forgiving; forgetting is the only revenge and the only forgiveness.”
Jorge Louis Borges
If we keep the painful memories at the front of our minds, we will not be able to function on a daily basis. Constantly replaying unprocessed memories, attempting to change our past experiences, results in a static and unfulfilling life.
Forgetting Others: Children ‘Forgetting’ Parents…..
John Singer Sargent – On His Holidays, Norway [1901-02] Gandalf’s Gallery, Flickr.
Dennis, a patient I saw for a couple of years, was troubled by the fact that he could never relax and be happy. Every time he settled down to enjoy himself, he started to worry about other people, or feel fearful that something had gone wrong in his house.
As a child, he was never allowed to ‘forget’ his parents….. he remembered that they always worried about him going on school trips, and he was afraid that they would have fallen out with each other or become ill in his absence.
Our children need to be encouraged to ‘forget’ us at times, to become absorbed in their own lives without having to feel concern for us. If we cause our children to feel such over-concern and anxiety for us, that is our need, not theirs.
We need to help our children grow up feeling free, yet contained….below are some paintings and quotations which beautifully illustrate this. They show children engaged in play, busily lost in their own worlds.
Having this ability to be lost in a kind of creative ‘playing’ is not just for children; it is crucial to continue this kind of absorbed, healthy forgetting of ourselves and the world through adulthood, if we are to become inventive, innovative and imaginative adults.
Children – Jean Edouard Vuillard. Wikioo.
“Don’t limit a child to your own learning, for he was born in another time.”
Rabindranath Tagore
Charles Roka. Child Painting. (Yulia Mi). Wikimedia Commons.
“If you know someone who is very creative, that person is endowed with exceptional forgetting.”
Henri Jules Jean Geoffroy (1853–1924), Bastille Day (c 1900) Wikimedia Commons.
“There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the other, wings.”
Hodding Carter
© Linda Berman.
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