Alec Soth – Natalia, Paris [2007]. Wikimedia Commons

Do you feel the world owes you something, or that you deserve better and more than other people, for no justifiable reason?

Often, those with a sense of entitlement become angry and demanding when things do not work out their way. They take more than their fair share, feeling they ‘deserve’ it.

This is an unhappy state to be in, always feeling short-changed and dissatisfied. The following 3 quotations highlight some different aspects of the sense of entitlement.

• Twenty-first century entitlement

Quote 1

Technology – Nam June Paik. 1991. Wikioo

“We live in an age of instant knowledge. And there’s almost a sense of entitlement to that.”

J. J. Abrams

Now, in the twenty-first century, much of our social discourse is constructed around the value of the quick-fix solution and formulaic, over-confident, upbeat, ‘positive’ thinking. Ours has become a short-term culture, demanding immediate gratification. We are bombarded with instantaneous digital images, websites, apps, icons, emails and texts.

In this rapid-fire, financially-pressurised, competitive, fast-food, answer-in-an-instant, push-button culture, a sense of entitlement has developed in many people, who have come to expect their needs to be met immediately.

Hot dog – Roy Lichtenstein. 1964. Wikioo.

In our world is of high speed information, cutting edge technologies and quick-fire solutions, the concept of ‘not-knowing,’ or even thinking things through, might appear highly undesirable.

Why should anyone attach value to not knowing? Surely we need to know as much as we can, and quickly? Why should we take time to think when we can type in a question on our mobile phones, press ‘enter’ and receive the answer at once?

Making space and time for contemplation, for considering others’ viewpoints, for questioning, or even just waiting for an answer to come, gives us the chance to weigh up situations, rather than jumping into certainty.

However, in our contemporary technologically-orientated world, the urge to know, and to find out quickly, is regarded as ‘cool.’ There is little room, or respect, for doubt, uncertainty, ambiguity, or wondering.

This rapid evolution of our ways of thinking may lead us into a precariously shallow and superficial state: in feeling a sense of entitlement to the superficial and the instant, we will inevitably jump to conclusions and miss the intricacies, the finer details, of life.

‘For every complex problem, there is an answer that is clear, simple and wrong.’

HL Mencken.

In reality, developing a capacity not to know can be highly creative and freeing. Instead of rushing to find solutions, what if we were to allow some degree of uncertainty, wondering, curiosity?

This ‘not-knowing’ is akin to a mental slowing-down, allowing ourselves to take time, pause and curb the tendency to jump to conclusions without thinking. It means that we will avoid the distortions that come with quick certainties, the on-the-spot answers, the immediate solution.

It also means we will come to lower our expectations, we will stop depending so much on technology and act less quickly at times where we do need to think deeply. In so doing, we will also be eliminating any dangerous illusions about our own entitlement to instant gratification.

Quote 2 : Entitlement and the ‘me first’ attitude.

Chris Blakeley. ENTITLEMENT. 2008. Flickr.

“Man is not, by nature, deserving of all that he wants. When we think that we are automatically entitled to something, that is when we start walking all over others to get it.” 

Criss Jami

Entitled people put themselves and their needs first; they do not consider others at all. Just like the owner of the above car, they feel they have the right to park wherever they choose, regardless of other people’s rules or needs.

“The problem with entitlement is that it makes people need to feel good about themselves all the time even at the expense of others around them.”

Mark Manson

Those who feel entitled in this way act selfishly, narcissistically, and are totally centred on themselves and their own demands. Self absorbed, they feel that it is their prerogative to receive special treatment, above all others.

“People who take more than their share usually feel an inflated sense of entitlement.”

Jeanne Phillips

Often, at the root of such feelings lies a childhood of emotional deprivation.

Quote 3: Entitlement and unmet childhood needs

The Angry One – Ferdinand Hodler. (1853-1918) Date Unknown. Wikioo.

“He never did rid himself of the feeling that he had been denied his rightful place. It kept him from being good-natured, and made him unwilling to forget grudges.”

Warren Eyster

Prolonged anger because of perceived injustice during childhood can lead to the adult having a sense of entitlement, borne out of deprivation.

The quotation above puts forward the idea of being ‘denied one’s rightful place.’ This is particularly relevant to the family situation, especially where there is favouritism. Such a dysfunctional family system will likely result in one child being seen as special, at the expense of the other sibling/s.

it is probable that both favoured- or unfavoured- children have never been loved and appreciated for their authentic selves, for the people they really are.

The favoured child may grow up to be narcissistic, unable to acknowledge any ‘weaknesses’ or insecure feelings and getting angry when they feel criticised for the slightest issue, blaming others, needing to be in the limelight, and having a sense of entitlement. Having always been regarded as the ‘superstar,’ they can never be seen to be ordinary or average at anything.

This, in itself, is a huge pressure, in that the child may find it difficult to fail at anything, throughout life. They have to be faultless, to live up to the labels that are put on them, often from a very early age. In this kind of family scenario, love is far from unconditional. It is dependent on the child continuing to be successful.

The unfavoured child may grow up feeling envious and resentful of the chosen sibling, lacking in confidence, feeling ‘bad’ about themselves and not as good as others. Understandably, they feel unfairly treated and wronged.

Out of such experiences in a family that has favourites there frequently develops a sense of entitlement, selfishness and a constant sense of grudge and resentment towards other people. They may feel, either consciously or unconsciously, that they are ‘entitled’ to have everything they want, perhaps at the expense of others, because they have been given so little in the past.

By way of example, think of those people who push into the front of queues, who fight to grab the best purchases, who block others from using a seat on public transport by putting their luggage on it.

The interesting research paper, below, explains how such egotistical behaviour might develop:

“We propose…. that feeling wronged gives people a sense of entitlement to obtain positive outcomes—and to avoid negative ones—that frees them from the usual requirements of social life. Whereas individuals typically contend with a strong norm of benevolence that encourages helping and curbs egoism, we propose that wronged individuals, because of their heightened sense of entitlement, feel relieved from this communal obligation and therefore exhibit more selfish intentions and behaviour.”

Zitek, Jorda, Leqch & Monin. Victim Entitlement to Behave Selfishly

A sense of entitlement, as described above, having its origins in childhood deprivation, can also manifest itself in the present in the form of an adult wish to constantly complain, to never feel one is getting enough, to feel badly done to.

This kind of behaviour is often seen and heard loud and clear in public places such as hotels and restaurants and in traffic jams, or whenever the entitled person feels they are not getting their own way, which is a frequent occurrence.

It is often said that we live in a ‘complaint culture.’

Loonyhiker. 12/28/15 Complaint Dept. Flickr

What is the ‘complaint culture’ actually about?

It must be strongly emphasised here that complaining may at times be vital and very necessary. Where we perceive injustice, lack of care, crime, abuse, harassment, deprivation, racism and suffering, it is crucial to speak out, complain loudly and try to get something done about it.

However, complaining can sometimes be a way of shirking one’s personal responsibilities, putting the blame on others and selfishly acting out one’s own feelings of entitlement to special treatment.

Constantly feeling aggrieved may have its roots in a childhood that felt unfair and victimising, leading to the adult generalising from this experience and projecting a distinct sense of unfairness onto the world.

Self-portrait, 1912. Alexej von Jawlensky. Wikimedia Commons.

“Some people make it extremely difficult to continue believing that complaining is not one of the basic human needs.”

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Part 2 of this post, to which you are entitled, will appear next Tuesday!

© Linda Berman