This post continues last week’s theme……thank you for all your great feedback on Facebook and Twitter. It’s much appreciated!

•  Entitlement and Abuse

Masks by Emil Nolde. 1911. Wikimedia Commons

“The predator wants your silence. It feeds their power, entitlement, and they want it to feed your shame.”

Viola Davis

In a deeply sinister way, abuse in many forms – sexual, emotional or physical-  can develop out of the perpetrator’s sense of entitlement to have anything they want, so they have the ‘right’ to satisfy their depraved needs, no matter how much it may hurt others.

There is no empathy in a person with this extreme sense of entitlement; they exhibit a lack of responsibility or guilt for their actions, no respect for others’ wishes or views, and, often, a need to blame others or accuse them of trying to control them.

Other people are seen as objects, dehumanised, so that the abuser has all the power and control to do what they like to whomever they choose. This is a dangerous and destructive sense of entitlement, one which totally disregards other people’s wishes and needs. Others exist only to be silent and compliant.

Degas. Interior. Also known as The Rape. 1868-9. Wikimedia Commons

• Feeling entitled: easy come, easy go

Ivan Radic. Dumped clothes in a grass field. Flickr.

“People shouldn’t have everything they want. No one is entitled to their every desire. To live in balance, we must willingly decide not to take all that we can from the world, and from others.” 

F.C. Yee, The Shadow of Kyoshi

In our current ‘throwaway’ society, goods are deliberately not made to be durable, so that they will have to be discarded and new ones purchased. This is inbuilt obsolescence, meaning that there has been a deliberate plan to ensure that people will have to replace the object, because it is out of date or it does not function.

Often, repair costs exceed that of buying new, for ours is a society which regards the disposable as the norm. Rather than wash items, we use disposables, such as paper cups, face-wipes, paper towels, tissues. Rather than repair, some of us discard and replace, automatically, without thinking.

‘Fast fashion’ means that clothes are made cheaply and are following the latest trend, ready to be thrown away after being worn only a few times. This creates enormous waste to pollute our environment. 

Food is packed in layers of plastic and cardboard which create more rubbish. The oceans are polluted with waste plastic and microfibres, harming animals and the environment. In feeling a sense of entitlement, nothing is valued or appreciated, it is a case of ‘easy come, easy go.’

Influences which shape contemporary life are, for example, the celebrity culture, with its ‘must-have’ fashions, image-consciousness and status symbols. Authenticity is not what is valued; instead, cosmetic surgery, botox, falseness and layers of make-up are prized and admired, to make people ‘look like’ Hollywood film stars.

There is a strong desire for some of those who are ageing to constantly look ‘younger’ though plastic surgery. In many cases, people feel they are ‘entitled’ to such treatments in order to fit in with the newest trends in relation to their image…it is all about image.

“Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery.”

Beverly Johnson

“I am just another face in a crowd of aging baby boomers, demanding the best golden years money and a well-developed sense of entitlement can buy. It may be true, as Francis Bacon observed, that age will not be defied, but that doesn’t mean we’re prepared to yield to its advance either.”

By Daphne Merkin. New York Times Magazine. May 2, 2004

• Entitled people tend not to be too popular….

Those with a strong sense of entitlement may have developed a charming and seductive superficiality in order to get what they want and to attract others; underneath they are really desperately needy and this will, inevitably, be detected.

Entitled people are inclined to have high expectations of others, without giving anything in return. As we have seen, they can be angry, blaming and lacking in empathy.

In contrast, people who are good company, who can sustain satisfactory relationships with others, usually do not have a sense of entitlement. In general, they are authentic; they do not need to put on airs and graces, or to be defensive, trying to create an impression of someone they are not.

Inauthentic people do not make good friends; their lack of humility and falseness can be easy to spot. Being true to oneself involves having a kind of freedom that comes from self-knowledge, from having accepted the parts of ourself that might have felt ‘bad.’

Of course there are no perfect people, for everyone has their issues and, often, some unrealistic expectations. However, the people we tend to want to be friends with are those who lean towards generally being warm, self-aware, smiley and spontaneous.

They are grateful, rather than grumpy and resentful, without a sense of entitlement, they can laugh at themselves and the world, and they are open-minded and accepting.

• The ‘delusion’ of fairness

“The only thing that makes life unfair is the delusion that it should be fair.”

Steve Maraboli.

Life is tough sometimes, isn’t it? It will inevitably throw us curve-balls; things will not always turn out right for us. There are no set rules for how life will go. It may at times feel random, unpredictable, unfathomable in its arbitrariness. That is exactly how life is…. random, chancy, erratic.

“Life is NOT Supposed to be Fair. Know that there is no single way that life is supposed to be. Demanding that life meet our expectations is a sure fire recipe for a miserable existence. Life is a game with no rules.

Life just happens to us regardless of our best intentions. Our only path to happiness lies in being open to receiving whatever life throws at us – with Gratitude. Have NO Expectations of life.“

Jonathan Lockwood Huie 

If we think we are entitled to much more than we have, if we have very high expectations, we will likely become inward looking, gloomy and unfulfilled, depending on others for what they cannot possibly give us.

We will not be able to see the beauty and love around us. An automatic sense of entitlement to fairness and an expectation that life should be fair are recipes for disaster. We will be desperately disappointed.

Of course, we are entitled to some things: to be treated respectfully and humanely, to have basic living needs and conditions, to health care and to be free to have our own beliefs and ways of thinking.

However, it may be necessary to adjust our expectations if we constantly feel a sense of entitlement. This involves being flexible in our thinking, preparing ourselves for disappointment, accepting imperfections in self and other.

A rigid, entitled view of life is unhelpful, in that it encourages unchanging attitudes and expectations of fairness that will ultimately prove to be unrealistic and draining of our own and others’ energy. With this attitude, we will never, ever feel that we have enough.

Dear Friends, I Give You the Sun and My Sunny Art – 1978. Maria Primachenko. Wikioo.

“Develop interest in life as you see it; in people, things, literature, music – the world is so rich, simply throbbing with rich treasures, beautiful souls and interesting people. Forget yourself.”

Henry Miller

• Gratitude

Egon Schiele – Self-Portrait with Physalis.1912. Wikimedia Commons

“When we replace a sense of service and gratitude with a sense of entitlement and expectation, we quickly see the demise of our relationships, society, and economy.”

Steve Maraboli

An entitled person is likely to be so self-absorbed that they feel that they are owed help and favours from those around them. They are unlikely to show gratitude because they consider that they have a right to everything they want.

Indeed, other people have a ‘duty’ to satisfy them. They do not possess the inner strength and empathy to make others feel good or to show any kind of appreciation.

Such ways of thinking are also reflected in parts of our contemporary society that are led by materialism and consumerism. Gifts and money are sometimes given instead of love and appreciation, and, especially where children are concerned, this can result in a feeling of entitlement.

Along with this goes a lack of gratitude, an expectation that the entitled person deserves to have whatever they need materially.

Feeling genuinely grateful means we have the generosity within ourselves to acknowledge the other’s contribution, their gifts, talents and personal value. Gratitude strengthens and enriches relationships. By showing how thankful we are, we make the other person feel appreciated and loved.

“No one who achieves success does so without acknowledging the help of others. The wise and confident acknowledge this help with gratitude.”

Alfred North Whitehead

Having high expectations is far from unusual, but it does lead to let-downs, hurt feelings and disappointments. It might also mean that we cannot enjoy and appreciate what we do have, so preoccupied are we with ourselves and wanting something more or different.

“When we focus on our gratitude, the tide of disappointment goes out and the tide of love rushes in.”

Kristin Armstrong

If we are stuck in a feeling of entitlement, we will be unlikely to be creative, for we will be too preoccupied with our unmet needs to turn outwards, away from ourselves.

Trapped in this way, we will not appreciate the beauty and wonder of what we do have, and the miraculous nature of the world around us. Without gratitude, we will miss so much…

Still Life – Fruit and Flowers – Maurice Brazil Prendergast. Wikioo

“The essence of all beautiful art, all great art, is gratitude.”

Friedrich Nietzsche 

A feeling of entitlement might lead people to think that they can never feel content unless others meet their needs. Not so. People who are happy often have few needs, but they appreciate what they do have.

They also have the awareness and wisdom to know that life is full of ups and downs for everyone, and that we all need to come to terms with that, rather than feeling grudging and resentful.

“As Epictetus put it, if you expect the universe to deliver what you want, you are going to be disappointed, but if you embrace whatever the universe gives, then life will be a whole lot smoother. ” 

The Conversation.

How we define contentment is important; if we see it as total and permanent, then we are not accepting the reality that life is uncertain and changeable. 

If we expect other people to satisfy our needs when we are giving nothing in return, whilst also lacking in gratitude, then we are definitely on dangerous path. This is the path that leads to the isolation and misery of entitlement.

“To cultivate gratitude, we must first uproot the weeds of pride, entitlement, and comparison that choke out our blessings.”

Toyin Omofoye

On the other hand, gratitude and appreciation free us from self-centredness and allow us to feel that what we have is enough.

“The more grateful we feel, the happier we become. This is because gratitude helps us realize we are all connected. Nobody feels like an island when feeling grateful. Gratitude awakens us to the truth of our interdependent nature.”

 Haemin Sunim

“Feeling entitled is the opposite of feeling grateful. Gratitude opens the heart, entitlement closes it.”

Paul Gibbons

© Linda Berman.