1. Accepting ourselves , accepting others…

Portrait of Fedor Chaliapin 1 – Konstantin Alekseyevich Korovin.1938. Wikioo.

“Finally I am coming to the conclusion that my highest ambition is to be what I already am. That I will never fulfill my obligation to surpass myself unless I first accept myself, and if I accept myself fully in the right way, I will already have surpassed myself.”

Thomas Merton

What does acceptance of the self mean? How does it affect our lives?

Self-acceptance enables us to embrace the parts of ourselves that may not be seen as ‘socially acceptable,’ such as envy or anger and to regard them with tolerance and understanding, as a part of being human. This will help us feel relaxed, at peace, and free enough to work on aspects of ourselves as we wish.

We will also be more able to value our strengths, accept our weaknesses, and resolve to feel compassionate towards ourself and our own mistakes and slip-ups. Without our ‘failings’, we would be one-dimensional, steamrollered, cardboard cut-outs, rather than interesting, real, fallible and whole human beings.

This does not mean that we need to become smug or lazy, or that we do not strive to improve ourselves and work through our personal issues, but that we approach these with an attitude of empathy and acceptance. In fact, it would be very difficult to face these parts of ourselves if we were full of self-judgement and criticism.

The great person-centred therapist, Carl Rogers, viewed self-acceptance as the most important aspect of being content in our lives, and certainly of being a therapist.

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”

Carl R. Rogers, On Becoming a Person

It may appear contradictory to say that if we can accept ourselves as we are, then we can move on and make changes, but it is, in fact, a very true statement.

If we spend our lives not accepting ourselves and feeling bad, we will likely become very unhappy, perhaps depressed, self-blaming and lacking in self-esteem or a sense of personal worth. Having such a low self-image will, inevitably, make us feel not good enough. Without the confidence to appreciate our ‘good’ points, we will likely sink into a melancholy state.

Underestimating one’s own abilities is another example of not accepting the self. Our inner critic (perhaps internalised parental voices from childhood) can sometimes be very powerful and make us feel worthless.

What about accepting others? Without accepting ourselves, we can never accept other people. If we do not embrace or admire who we are, then we will inevitably judge others whom we feel have similar traits.

“The secret to loving others despite their imperfections is loving ourselves despite ours.”

 L.R. Knost

Love, 1895. Gustav Klimt. Wikioo

“To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.”

Fred Rogers

Accepting others just as they are may be a tall order, and it is perhaps impossible to achieve in any kind of total way, but it is certainly something to strive for. It involves a lack of judgement of other people and adopting a non-judgemental stance.

This is an attitude which is accommodating,  patient, caring and empathic. Such an approach to the other creates an aura of understanding and safety. In this way, relationships tend to be deeper and closer, more trusting.

“We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses.”

Carl Jung

Being without judgement is a freeing experience. This is because, if we do not judge others, we will not be so hard on ourselves. Instead of judging the other person for their differences, maybe we can accept that difference is a good thing.

Douglas Sprott. Dogs and Cats 2011 — 1. Cuddle. Flickr

“We are all different. Don’t judge, understand instead.”

Roy T. Bennett

Accepting another, warts and all, paves the way for accepting our own inner ‘demons.’ By not judging, we allow ourselves to be interested in those around us, without shutting them out because their views/appearance/ethnicity/gender identity do not accord with our own way of being.

Without such judgement, we will begin to grow, intellectually, personally and emotionally, as we discover what makes others tick.

“Every time I judge someone else, I reveal an unhealed part of myself.”

Joy Marino

” People hasten to judge in order not to be judged themselves.”

Albert Camus

It is when we are peaceful enough with ourselves and have learnt to observe others without judgement or criticism, that we may perceive the pain that can lie beneath an outer appearance, and hear the untold stories that a lack of acceptance would inhibit.

Being aware that we cannot change anyone else is crucial; if we accept this, we will be more inclined to work on our own issues. Blaming, accusing, and prodding others to change will likely result in them closing up and rigidly resisting the pressure. Real love is about improving the self for the other partner.

“I can do nothing for you but work on myself…you can do nothing for me but work on yourself!”

Ram Dass, Be Here Now

2.  Acceptance of difficult times

Human misery – Paul Gauguin. 1889. Wikioo.

“Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune.”

William James

Developing acceptance, when things are unchangeable, is an important way of learning to cope with life’s problems.

“There are some things I can’t control, and that’s just the way it is.” 

 Susane Colasanti

Cultivating an ‘it is what it is’ attitude in the face of difficulties which cannot be altered does not have to be about defeat, or not caring, resignation or shirking responsibility. It can be one of the accepting ways of thinking in an impossible situation.

“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.”

Maya Angelou.

Being in a state of denial only makes things harder; repressing our feelings inevitably causes them to come out in other ways, perhaps through nightmares, psychosomatic symptoms and psychological illness.

“The essence of bravery is being without self-deception.”

Pema Chödrön

In actual fact, although it is hard, acceptance of a situation is a kind of control. Paradoxically, once we let go of a desire to gain control, we often feel more in control.

Victor Reynolds. An Open Door.2024. Flickr

“The moment you accept what troubles you’ve been given, the door will open.”

Rumi.

Making a decision to stop trying to control impossible events means that we can use the controlling energy to be more creative. We can free ourselves to focus on what we wish to do, even though this might be different from what we had planned.

“When we resist change, it’s called suffering. But when we can completely let go and not struggle against it, when we can embrace the groundlessness of our situation and relax into its dynamic quality, that’s called enlightenment.”

Pema Chödron

3. Acceptance of not-knowing and uncertainty

cattan. 2011 uncertainty. Flickr.

“Maturity, one discovers, has everything to do with the acceptance of ‘not knowing.”

Mark Z. Danielewski

Acceptance of NOT knowing is something all of us need to learn to do, to stay with the uncertainty and not try to push against the natural flow of events and experiences. If we are able to achieve this calm acceptance, life will be happier and less stressful.

River Landscape 2 – Peder Mork Monsted. 1903. Wikioo

“Don’t push the river, it flows by itself.”

Barry Stevens

Our existence is full of uncertainties; we really do not know what is going to happen next. This can be very hard to cope with for us all, especially those who like to be in control. It is hard to accept that we cannot ‘push the river.’

A desire for certainty also reflects the trend towards theoretical dogma and the wish for an absolute and totalitarian truth.

Developing a capacity not to know can be highly creative and freeing. Instead of rushing to find solutions, what if we were to allow some degree of uncertainty, wondering, curiosity?

This ‘not-knowing’ is akin to a mental slowing-down, allowing ourselves to take time, pause and curbing the tendency to jump to conclusions without thinking. It means that we will avoid the distortions that come with quick certainties.

Could we take the risk of facing the unknown, accept the need to wait and see, and give ourselves, and others, some space and time to wait and see what emerges?

Then we might engage with fresh possibilities, discover new truths. Not-knowing in the area of issues that are uncertain and, perhaps, unknowable, will allow us to concentrate better on what we do need to know. Accepting that we may, at times, be better off not knowing something, such as what will happen in the future, can be liberating and energising.

 ‘…acceptance of not-knowing produces tremendous relief.’

Winnicott.

Damian Gadal. Vibration.2021. Flickr.

“Acceptance looks like a passive state, but in reality it brings something entirely new into this world. That peace, a subtle energy vibration, is consciousness.”

 Eckhart Tolle

Marc Chagall. The Birthday. 1915. Wikimedia Commons

“I have come to accept the feeling of not knowing where I am going. And I have trained myself to love it. Because it is only when we are suspended in mid-air with no landing in sight, that we force our wings to unravel and alas begin our flight. And as we fly, we still may not know where we are going to. But the miracle is in the unfolding of the wings. You may not know where you’re going, but you know that so long as you spread your wings, the winds will carry you.”

C. JoyBell C.

© Linda Berman