Quote 1

Hotel Window. Edward Hopper-1955. Wikimedia Commons

Do you understand, sir, do you understand what it means when you have absolutely nowhere to turn?” Marmeladov’s question came suddenly into his mind “for every man must have somewhere to turn…”

Fyodor Dostoevsky.

The quotation above describes desperation, an aloneness in the world that must feel unbearable. The artist Edward Hopper was a master at capturing this feeling of loneliness in a big space, often amongst others, but tensely separate from them. His figures feel disconnected from others and they rarely make eye contact. 

Hotel Lobby. Edward Hopper. 1943. Picryl.

They seem to live within themselves, and the world around them feels empty, desolate, full of barren, forbidding, open spaces, stark barriers, mountains, heavy curtains, darkness, windows, desks, heavy pillars, walls.

New York Movie, 1939 by Edward Hopper. Wikimedia Commons

The figures in Hopper’s work do not seem to have anyone to turn to. They do not relate, they do not engage with others or the world.

Having ‘absolutely nowhere to turn’ means that we are experiencing a real sense of isolation and that we do not know what to do, where to go, or who to rely on for any kind of attention or care.

We will lack an inner experience of safety, a core, a centre to one’s being; without an ‘other’ to turn to, we are left feeling bereft, hopeless and deprived of any kind of guide in our life. It is akin to being lost at sea, adrift, tossed by rough waters, with sharks all around, without a chance of rescue.

‘The Gulf Stream’ 1899, Winslow Homer. Wikimedia Commons

This state of mind, powerfully echoed in the above artwork, can also make us doubt that there is any light at the end of the tunnel, feeling that nothing can help us, no-one is there for us. We have no-one in our lives who can replenish our lost hope, no-one to re-ignite our dwindling inner flame.

We lack that other who can bring us alive again…

Auguste Renoir. Conversation.1878. Wikimedia Commons

“At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.”

Albert Schweitzer

Quote 2

William-Adolphe Bouguereau. Temptation (1880) Wikimedia Commons

“Just as despair can come to one only from other human beings, hope, too, can be given to one only by other human beings.”

Elie Wiesel

This quotation furthers the theme of the previous one, in that it develops the idea of us gaining help from others, reminding us that they can give us hope. Other people can have a powerful influence on us, for good or evil. They can bring us hope or despair. In a hopeful and giving relationship, another person can lift us, encourage us and support us in difficult times.

We too, can give that hope, and many other qualities, to those around us.

“The way you speak to others can offer them joy, happiness, self-confidence, hope, trust, and enlightenment. Mindful speaking is a deep practice.”

Thich Nhat Hanh

Quote 3

A Happy Family. Eugenio Zampighi (1859–1944) Wikimedia Commons

“Life doesn’t make any sense without interdependence. We need each other, and the sooner we learn that, the better for us all.”

Erik Erikson

We are all wired from birth to interconnect with each other; we have a need to belong, and this is a part of our shared humanity. From our earliest days, we need to form attachments to our first caregivers that give us feelings of safety and security, of warmth, comfort and belonging. We crave their love and their containment, our early dependence enabling us to live and function as a part of society.

The concept of containment refers to an experience of holding another person so that they feel safe and protected. This ‘holding’ does not have to be in the form of a hug; it can be on an emotional level. We can have such an experience as this within the family, with friends, or, in a professional way, in psychotherapy.

An empathic and loving other can be a quiet and strong presence for us when we are emotionally low or in pain. Physical holding in the depths of darkness by another can help us feel contained and loved. Having someone to love, who loves us, can be an experience that makes us feel secure, strong, valued, alive.

Parisina’s Dream. Andrea Gastaldi . Before 1889. Wikimedia Commons

“I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own being.”

 Hafiz

Love can release our potential, freeing up that which may be latent in us, enhancing self-confidence. Love validates us, makes us feel seen, heard, appreciated, contained.

Mary Cassatt. Mother and Child. (A Goodnight Hug.) 1880. Wikimedia Commons.

“A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all people. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don’t function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick.”

Brené Brown

There is a sense, when we do not feel contained by anyone, that there is absolutely nowhere that feels like home, with all that this represents. There is no feeling of safety, of a core, a centre to one’s being; without an other to turn to, we are left feeling hopeless and lacking any kind of guide in our life. We all need to have the security to know that someone, somewhere, will show us care and have our interests at heart.

When we have been given a strong enough sense in childhood that we are loved and contained, then we will be more likely, as adults, to be able to make a home inside ourselves, an ‘inner home.’ This will enable us to feel more warm and secure on our own, experiencing a safe place within that will give us strength and comfort.

Woman Sitting by the Fireside. Édouard Vuillard. c 1894. Wikimedia Commons

“I long, as does every human being, to be at home wherever I find myself.”

Maya Angelou

Quote 4

Henri Martin – The Lovers. Wikimedia Commons

“This time is difficult. Wait for me. We will live it out vividly. Give me your small hand: we will rise and suffer, we will feel, we will rejoice. We are once more the pair who lived in bristling places, in harsh nests in the rock. This time is difficult. Wait for me with a basket, with a shovel, with your shoes and your clothes. Now we need each other, not only for the carnations’ sake, not only to look for honey — we need our hands to wash with, to make fire.”

Pablo Neruda

We need each other to do the things that we cannot do for ourselves, both physically and psychologically. Another person can complete us, make us whole again. We need each other in order to give us back parts of ourselves that have become repressed or lost; in helping others, we help ourselves, building our own sense of worth through doing good deeds. We need each other in times that are good and bad, for support, help and love.

Quote 5

David Teniers (II) – The Works of Mercy.1640’s Wikimedia Commons

“Everyone needs help from everyone.”

Bertolt Brecht

The playwright and poet, Brecht, passionately believed that a functional society depended on people working together; his quote underlines the need that we all have for others, no matter how confident or independent we may appear.

The poet John Donne was right when he said:

“No man is an island entire of itself; every man

is a piece of the continent, a part of the main.”

To think that we need no-one is illusory and arrogant. We are basically social beings, only independent of others to a certain degree. If we find it difficult to relate to others, or to depend on people, then it may be necessary to examine these issues, and perhaps consult a professional for help.

It is also important to remember that others need us and that, for society to function, relationships need to be mutual and reciprocal. Strength and personal power are never gained in isolation and it is central to our wellbeing and mental health to value our connectedness and our deep, personal bonds with others, from childhood through to adulthood.

© Linda Berman