Some Powerful Quotations About Responsibility In Life And In Therapy. By Dr Linda Berman
Responsibility And Aloneness
“To the extent that one is responsible for one’s life, one is alone.”
Irvin D. Yalom, Existential Psychotherapy
It is a hard fact, but nevertheless it is a truth, that we are all alone on this earth in many ways, and especially in terms of responsibility. The implications here are massive, both in relation to life in general and in therapy.
What are these implications ?
We all need to take responsibility for our own lives and for ourselves; always blaming others when things go wrong for us could be seen as avoidance.
Issues of responsibility need to be measured and considered; it is important to be aware of not taking responsibility for others’ problems. However, if we constantly blame others for the bad things, we cannot expect to only take credit for the good.
We will not learn from our mistakes if we always see the fault as residing with others. We will not change if we locate responsibility outside ourselves.
Ultimately, we are all alone in the world- we enter it, and leave it, alone. This aloneness continues as we grow up, for increasing maturity is about taking responsibility for our own life. No-one else can do this for us.
We may call on others to help, but, ultimately it is we ourselves who have to make life-choices. We decide who our life-partners will be, if we do choose to have them, and it is up to us to select our own career path, to make the choice of being parents or not, and, indeed, to decide what kind of person we will be.
Responsibility And Maturity
Responsibility as we grow up is very much about being able to make our own decisions, to use and trust our intelligence, whilst respecting and listening to others’ views. Maturity and responsibility are very closely linked.
Alexej von Jawlensky – Reife- (Maturity) Wikimedia Commons.
“Maturity is having the courage to use one’s own intelligence.”
Immanuel Kant.
Once we have made decisions about our life’s path, then we will also need to think about others who are inevitably affected by these decisions.
Having children and caring for other people reveals compassion and an awareness of our duty to other human beings, despite any problems we may be grappling with ourselves.
“Maturity is when your world opens up and you realize that you are not the centre of it.”
M.J. Croan
Being responsible means realising that we are alone in the world and still maintaining the ability to carry on despite everything. It is about caring for another, and making them the focus of your attention, reaching out beyond your own needs. Such sacrifices show resilience, accountability, personal strength and responsibility.
Realising that we are not the centre of the universe, being less egotistical and self-centred, means that we will think more of other people. We will be able to see and understands others’ perspectives better. This is a mature and responsible approach.
Responsibility As A Gift
“The greatest gifts you can give your children are the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence.”
Denis Waitley
Responsibility and independence…. why are these so important to give to our children? If we help children face responsibility in life, even when they are quite young, then we will be enabling a sense of self-confidence in their own ability to carry out tasks. This responsibility, no matter how small, will give them an increased feeling of their worth and personal identity.
Helping Grandpa – Frederick Morgan. Wikioo.
Independence is also a wonderful gift for our growing children. We do not have to do everything for them; as long as we are protective of their safety, it is important to allow children some independence, within sensible, and responsible, limits.
So often, I hear adults answering questions for their children, who cannot get a word in edgeways, even when being asked basic details about themselves such as their age and name! When this happens, the child often retires into themselves, unseen, unheard, and with a little of their chance for independence and confidence chipped away.
Encouraging small independent acts, like choosing their clothes for the day, deciding how they want to spend free time, helping bake a cake, all these kind of tasks will contribute towards a feeling of independence and capability. This is nurturing them, giving them ‘wings,’ and showing them that you trust and value them.
Responsibility And Psychotherapy
“Most people do not really want freedom, because freedom involves responsibility, and most people are frightened of responsibility.”
Sigmund Freud, Civilization and Its Discontents.
Freud’s words neatly sum up the dilemma of many people; they desire a life of liberty, but fear the responsibility that accompanies it. They want to feel happier and more content, but they do not dare to face their ‘dark’ and painful thoughts and feelings. This is an important issue for everyone, for we have to learn the hard lesson that none of us can have it all.
Often, this is something we learn through therapy, for wanting to feel better about ourselves and have more fulfilling relationships, inevitably involves gaining the courage to work through disturbing thoughts and feelings.
We have a responsibility to improve ourselves, and thus, improve the world; this is far from easy, as Freud says, for we need to experience the disappointment and rage that the therapist cannot make everything right for us.
“Therapy is hard work- and not just for the therapist. That’s because the responsibility for change lies squarely with the patient. If you expect an hour of sympathetic head-nodding, you’ve come to the wrong place. Therapists will be supportive, but our support is for your growth, not for your low opinion of your partner. (Our role is to understand your perspective but not necessarily to endorse it.) In therapy, you’ll be asked to be both accountable and vulnerable.”
Lori Gottlieb
Responsibility is a big word, encompassing many aspects of our life here on earth. Perhaps we have a responsibility to be authentic, true to ourselves? This is not easy…..
“Responsibility to yourself means refusing to let others do your thinking, talking, and naming for you; it means learning to respect and use your own brains and instincts; hence, grappling with hard work.”
Adrienne Rich
However, dodging these issues, avoiding facing them, means they will come back to haunt us. They cannot be buried without us at some point experiencing signs of their hidden power. In Freud’s words:
“Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.”
Sigmund Freud
If we want to find a way through our problems, we need to go into them, get to know them, and try to work them through.
If we are able to do this, Freud has some comfort for us….
Life is a Struggle (The Golden Knight) – Gustav Klimt. Wikioo
“One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful.”
Sigmund Freud
Blaming The Survivor
Innocence – (Alexei Alexeievich Harlamoff)
Of course, there are times in our lives when others do bad things to us and the responsibility for this is certainly not ours. When someone has been abused in childhood or adulthood, it is important for them, when and where appropriate, to be gently reminded that the responsibility lies with the perpetuator.
So often, the perpetrator, and other abusive people, will find ways of dodging the issue of responsibility by turning it onto the victim.
Blaming the victim is another abuse, adding to the existing trauma. It locates the responsibility for the abuse in the person who is experiencing it, twisting the truth and causing additional shame, humiliation and disorientation.
This is horrifying, especially to someone who is already confused and beside themselves with pain and fear. The perpetrator finds a way to externalise their own culpability in a way that is cruel and sadistic.
“It’s time to care; it’s time to take responsibility; it’s time to lead; it’s time for a change; it’s time to be true to our greatest self; it’s time to stop blaming others.”
Steve Maraboli
Perhaps it should be spelt ‘respons-ability,’ because the majority of us can be responsible if we choose to.
I will end this post with some relevant and powerful images and quotations about responsibility.
“To say you have no choice is to relieve yourself of responsibility.”
Patrick Ness, Monsters of Men
Natural painting from Pangalengan. Joe Priana.2019. Wikimedia Commons.
“A hero is someone who understands the responsibility that comes with his freedom.”
Freud wrote: “Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.”
And you commented: “If we want to find a way through our problems, we need to go into them, get to know them, and try to work them through.”
I have long wondered about this. Suppose one has been wronged and it seeds resentment. Suppose there is a clear perpetrator who refuses to repent or apologize, maybe even continues to feed that resentment. And it grows, grows, develops into hatred for that person.
I think it happens to countless millions of people, and it’s clear they are not all going to call upon a professional therapist. A religious person might confide in a priest; someone else may pour out his heart to a parent or friend. But does something like that actually relieve “unexpressed emotions”? I don’t know, maybe for some yes, others no.
Then, however, what if a different religious person simply pray to be forgiven for the hatred boiling up inside, or do so in confession on Friday before Sunday mass? How about people who deal with emotional turmoil through meditation? Do you think such efforts can help?
I think that different people respond to different kinds of help. I have in the past made it clear that therapy is not suitable or helpful to everyone. Not everyone can- or wants to- go into their problems in therapy. Some are able to work through past trauma; others may have to find less painful ways of managing difficult memories. Thanks for your interesting comment.
“To the extent that one is responsible for one’s life, one is alone.” — Irvin D. Yalom
There could be collective responsibility, say, of a family, an institution, a corporate firm, a neighborhood, or a nation. But ultimately, all these are comprised of individuals who either do or do not take responsibility for what life has dealt to them, whatever it is is on their plate.
What is there to say about education towards people to step up, assume responsibility, and strive towards fulfilling it?
Within an institution, whether small such as a family or larger such as a classroom or, maybe, the production unit of a company, even to the level of an entire country, are there systems, shared experiences to draw from, secrets handed down from history, or other means to stimulate people to be more responsible for their word and deed?
I like your clever morphing of “responsibility” into “response-ability”. So obviously obvious, but I’ve never noticed that word’s built-in, literal definition, never unpacked it. It’s been hiding in plain sight! Well, per this week’s sermon, I guess I’ll just have to exercise my ability to respond and take up responsibility for my lexical naivete. hehe
I definitely don’t think you’re lexically naive Bob!
Just something I picked up along the way… a new way of thinking about the word- glad you like it. 🤗🌻
Well, I embrace the linguistic naivete wherever, whenever it rips into awareness. No native speaker is without blind spots. The sudden revelation is both an awakening slap and funny as heck. Kind of a zen mind, beginner’s mind thing.
Freud wrote: “Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.”
And you commented: “If we want to find a way through our problems, we need to go into them, get to know them, and try to work them through.”
I have long wondered about this. Suppose one has been wronged and it seeds resentment. Suppose there is a clear perpetrator who refuses to repent or apologize, maybe even continues to feed that resentment. And it grows, grows, develops into hatred for that person.
I think it happens to countless millions of people, and it’s clear they are not all going to call upon a professional therapist. A religious person might confide in a priest; someone else may pour out his heart to a parent or friend. But does something like that actually relieve “unexpressed emotions”? I don’t know, maybe for some yes, others no.
Then, however, what if a different religious person simply pray to be forgiven for the hatred boiling up inside, or do so in confession on Friday before Sunday mass? How about people who deal with emotional turmoil through meditation? Do you think such efforts can help?
I think that different people respond to different kinds of help. I have in the past made it clear that therapy is not suitable or helpful to everyone. Not everyone can- or wants to- go into their problems in therapy. Some are able to work through past trauma; others may have to find less painful ways of managing difficult memories. Thanks for your interesting comment.
“To the extent that one is responsible for one’s life, one is alone.” — Irvin D. Yalom
There could be collective responsibility, say, of a family, an institution, a corporate firm, a neighborhood, or a nation. But ultimately, all these are comprised of individuals who either do or do not take responsibility for what life has dealt to them, whatever it is is on their plate.
What is there to say about education towards people to step up, assume responsibility, and strive towards fulfilling it?
Within an institution, whether small such as a family or larger such as a classroom or, maybe, the production unit of a company, even to the level of an entire country, are there systems, shared experiences to draw from, secrets handed down from history, or other means to stimulate people to be more responsible for their word and deed?
Sounds like a beneficial idea. Not sure it’s altogether there at present- anyone else got suggestions?
Thanks for your useful comments , @greeneugene
I like your clever morphing of “responsibility” into “response-ability”. So obviously obvious, but I’ve never noticed that word’s built-in, literal definition, never unpacked it. It’s been hiding in plain sight! Well, per this week’s sermon, I guess I’ll just have to exercise my ability to respond and take up responsibility for my lexical naivete. hehe
I definitely don’t think you’re lexically naive Bob!
Just something I picked up along the way… a new way of thinking about the word- glad you like it. 🤗🌻
Well, I embrace the linguistic naivete wherever, whenever it rips into awareness. No native speaker is without blind spots. The sudden revelation is both an awakening slap and funny as heck. Kind of a zen mind, beginner’s mind thing.