Happy Tram Ride – John Peirson. 1994. Wikioo.

“I want to surround myself with people,
who know how to touch the hearts of people ….
People to whom the hard knocks of life,
taught them to grow with softness in their soul.”

Mario De Andrade.( Extract from poem:The Valuable Time of Maturity)

Who are the people who make you feel good?  I can imagine that each person reading this will immediately be able to think of someone who has this wonderful capacity. There is usually at least one person in all our lives who makes us feel happier, more supported, appreciated, accepted.

• The Importance Of Support

The renowned Spanish poet, above, is referring to people who make him feel good, softer, more flexible people … and those are the people with whom he wants to ‘surround’ himself. This sounds almost like a protective shield of goodness and kindness, for such people can ‘touch his heart.’

Beneath the Shield of Arms – Lovis Corinth (Franz Heinrich Louis.) Wikioo.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

Proverbs 4. 23

Many times, we may all feel we need this shield, as some people can be unkind, destructively envious, ungrateful and hurtful and we may need to protect ourselves from their stings and certainly keep our distance from them.

Can you identify what it is about such people that makes us feel better just being with them? Below are some of my thoughts on this….

• Gentleness

Godfried Schalcken – Young Girl with a Candle. c1670-75. Wikimedia Commons.

Being with people who are loyal and supportive to us can, however, help to neutralise the poison, for they will surround us with their protective barrier of love and friendship.

The poet above feels that the kindness and gentleness of the people he chooses to be with often comes from experiencing ‘the hard knocks of life.’ It is true that we can gain insight and wisdom through having experienced suffering and having felt very vulnerable.

Out of our weakness emerges the kernel of our strength, the strength not to inflict unkindness on other people because of our own problems.

This certainly makes sense, although some people who have been hurt can become hurtful and bitter themselves, repeating old patterns on others around them.

“Self-portrait with Lowered Head”, 1912. Egon Schiele. Wikimedia Commons

“Hurt people hurt others, but luckily, healed people heal others. Safe people, shelter others. Free spirits, free others. Enlightened people, illuminate others. And love always wins. So shine your light of love on all who may cross your path in life, because what you do matters.”

@TheOracleReadsU. Twitter.

The hurtful ones are the people who have not ‘healed,’ who have little awareness of themselves and no idea that they are reenacting past trauma in the present. Such people do not make us feel good about ourselves, because they feel so bad inside; these bad feelings, unconsciously disowned, are frequently projected onto others.

• Ability To Spread The Light 

On the other hand, those who have managed to work though their issues, perhaps with the help of psychotherapy, can learn to ‘shine brightly’ for themselves and others.

Light Magic – Emile Nolde. Wikioo.

“It is essential that you become aware of the light, power, and strength within each of you, and that you learn to use those inner resources in service of your own and others’ growth.”

 Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

This quotation refers to our internal world, a part of us that some may be unaware of, but which influences us at every moment of our lives. If we have been able to resolve some of the darker issues in this inner world, if we have been able to face some of our own shadow-side, then there will be some space for our inner light.

We cannot get rid of all darkness, both inner and outer, but we can work towards achieving a balance of light and dark. Each complements the other.

Having both aspects in our personality in a balanced and integrated way means that we are more fully-rounded as people, more whole, with each part of us enhancing the other parts. This is what makes us real and human beings, people with whom it is good to spend time.

Those who make us feel good are people who have, largely, worked through issues like envy, anger and pain connected with the past. They have perhaps become aware of their dark areas, which they have under control, so that they do not inflict pain on others.

 If we feel full of light inside, we can transmit that feeling to other people.

Happy Woman. Ferdinand Hodler. Wikioo.

“A happy heart can walk in triumphant indifference through a sea of external trouble; while internal anguish cannot find happiness in the most favourable surroundings.”

Hannah Whitall Smith

When we have that kind of life-energy inside us, we can emit light to others, and inspire them, even when times may be difficult for everyone. We really can ‘spread the light.’ Such people send out messages of love.

Caspar David Friedrich – Woman before the Rising Sun (Woman before the Setting Sun)1818. Wikimedia Commons

“I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own being.”

 Hafiz

Kerry James Marshall – School of Beauty, School of Culture [2012]

“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

 Renee Swope

• Passion, Enthusiasm… And Empathy.

Félix Vallotton,The Red Room (La Chambre rouge), 1898.Wikimedia Commons.

“At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.”

Albert Schweitzer

Being with another who is brimming with passion and vitality for an idea, a cause, work, creativity, a book or a painting, is an infectious and inspiring experience.

It is helpful to be amongst people who have this passion and interest, who can ‘relight our fire.’ Such creative energy is catching and it tends to boost our mood.

“I need, sometimes, individuals to spark an idea so that I can take off running.”

Meek Mill

It is this that makes us feel uplifted. When we are enthusiastic, we feel stimulated, confident, creative, motivated.

It is an exciting, animated feeling, one that can propel us eagerly onwards and upwards. In addition, when we are in the company of someone who has empathy for us, we can feel encouraged and inspired to develop ourselves, our ideas, our thoughts, no matter how absurd they might seem initially.

American photographer Philippe Halsman met the surrealist artist Salvador Dalí in New York City and they began to collaborate in the late 1940s. In the 1948 work, above, ‘Dali Atomicus,’ they explore the idea of suspension, depicting three cats flying, water thrown from a bucket, an easel, a footstool and Salvador Dalí all seemingly suspended in mid-air. (Wikimedia Commons.) 

We need, however, to choose wisely and thoughtfully the people with whom we share our ideas, absurd or otherwise. It is often the case that a non-empathic and unsupportive person will quash a new idea with a dismissive or critical attitude.

“One of the most beautiful gifts in the world is the gift of encouragement. When someone encourages you, that person helps you over a threshold you might otherwise never have crossed on your own.”

John O’Donohue

Genuine encouragement is affirmation of ourselves and it helps us to feel empowered. It goes straight to the core of us, lifting our mood and lighting our light. It means that the other is empathic to our needs, is not judging us, and is listening to what we say, with understanding.

Encouragement like this from another person can free up our imagination and open up new psychic paths, so it is not surprising that we will feel good in such a person’s company.

“As we open our hearts to others, we begin to discover the truth of our own inner beauty, inner strength and inner light.”

Susan Jeffers

• Intimacy

Forest people – (Nicholas Roerich)

“I want to be with those who know secret things or else alone.”

Rilke

Being able to have some kind of closeness and intimacy is certainly a way of ensuring that we will feel cared for and loved; trusting someone to the extent that such intimacy is possible means having confidence in that person, believing that they will not use or abuse you, let you down, exploit or take advantage of you.

They can be relied on to tell you the truth, to be honest….. and worthy of your trust. You feel you can depend on them. These are the kind of people who are good to be with. 

Old Friend. A.A. Naumov 1889. Wikimedia Commons.

“Friends share secrets. That’s what keeps us close.”

Sara Shephard

• The Freedom to be Authentic

In general, people who are good to be with are authentic; they do not need to put on airs and graces, or to be defensive, trying to create an impression of someone they are not. Inauthentic people do not make us feel good; their falseness is easy to spot.

Being true to oneself involves having a kind of freedom that comes from self-knowledge, from having accepted the parts of ourself that might have felt ‘bad.’

Of course there are no perfect people, for everyone has their issues. However, the people we tend to want to be with are those who lean towards generally being warm, smiley and spontaneous. They are grateful, rather than grumpy and resentful, without a sense of entitlement, they can laugh at themselves and the world, and they are open-minded and accepting.

Three Birds – Georges Braque. Wikioo.

“The free soul is rare, but you know it when you see it – basically because you feel good, very good, when you are near or with them.”

Charles Bukowski

© Linda Berman.