Quote 1

Hieronymus Bosch- The Seven Deadly Sins and the Four Last Things – Anger. Late 15th Century. Wikimedia Commons

“Anybody can become angry – that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.”

Aristotle

We all get angry- some of us more than others- and that is a part of human nature. It is, however, an emotion that often gets a bad press, as anger can be destructive.

Aristotle reminds us in the quotation above, that how we express and manage our anger is crucial. He uses the word ‘right’ in this quotation five times.

Firstly, he talks about being angry with the ‘right’ person. This is highly important, because so often people project their anger onto the ‘wrong’ person. Such ‘wrong’ people are, actually, not the main target, but they may, sadly, be an easy punchbag onto whom the angry person can vent their rage.

“Yes, I was a bully. But the scrapping on the streets was my way of dealing with the anger I felt towards my parents.”

Mark Hunt

Often, the angry person is completely unconscious of the fact that they are repeating behaviour learnt in the past. This rage needs to be recognised as belonging with others who have made them angry, otherwise it will continue to flare in a random and unfocussed way.

In other scenarios, people may be angry, for example, with an unfair boss at work, and then take this out on their nearest and dearest, raging at them for the slightest ‘pinprick.’

This is a very unpleasant and upsetting experience for the receiver of such misplaced anger and can leave them feeling shocked, confused, bewildered and hurt.

On the other hand, if the angry person is indeed angry with the person currently with them, then, as the ancient philosopher says, they must be sure that this is the right degree, the right time, the right purpose and the right way. These are a lot of ‘rights’ to aim for; however they are all important to think about.

In any relationship, gauging whether it is the right time to express anger for those involved, must be considered. Questions abound:

Would waiting half an hour be helpful before saying anything? Is the anger over the top in reaction to what the other has allegedly done or said?

What is it that the angry person hopes to achieve? Is it worth the trouble it might cause to express this anger, or could it be overlooked? How is the anger to be communicated?

Is it through screaming, shouting, ranting and raving, or is it expressed after consideration and with a mature sense of control?

Quote 2

Wikimedia Commons. Author: Shmatic.File:E9b42191480411eeb3b79a793c1e62bc upscaled.jpg

“I know of no more disagreeable situation than to be left feeling generally angry without anybody in particular to be angry at.”

Frank Moore Colby

Unfocussed anger can be dangerous to others when it is uncontrolled, for this can be like letting a monster run riot. Without an overarching sense of being in control of our emotions, we can do untold damage to any relationship. Like a riderless horse, unbridled rage can be destructive both emotionally and physically.

The key is to understand where the anger originated and to recognised the importance of thinking before speaking. Of course, there are times when spontaneity is necessary and when we need to release our anger. We must, however, also be able to detect when we need a more measured response and to think carefully about possible consequences.

Temper Tantrum – Louise Joséphine Bourgeois. Wikioo.

Impulsiveness and losing one’s temper easily can cause much harm to self and other. With no time for consideration, preparation, or self-control, words are uttered that can be harsh, abusive and ultimately can lead to loss of face….. or shame and defeat.

“The best fighter is never angry.”

 Lao Tzu

Sometimes, when the other pushes us beyond our limit, provoking and taunting, we may lose our temper. After all, we are only human.

However, it is important to attempt to identify one’s own triggers for anger, and to try one’s hardest to have control over the self, maybe going for psychological help if anger feels regularly out of control.

Quote 3

 Édouard Manet – Interior at Arcachon [1871]. Gandalf’s Gallery. Flickr.

“The greatest remedy for anger is delay.”

Lucius Annaeus Seneca

If we take a few moments to calm down, perhaps to leave the room, to allow ourselves some thinking space, often the feelings of rage will give way to some understanding or self and other.

Jack Cornfield, who is Buddhist, sees taking a pause as ‘sacred,’ allowing us to get in touch with the best parts of ourselves:

“Try this in your next argument or conflict: Take a pause. Hold everyone’s struggle in compassion. Reflect on your highest intention. Whenever things get difficult, pause before you speak and sense your wisest motivation. From there, it will all flow better.”

Having control of one’s anger does not imply that we are suppressing it. Far from it, this means we have thought about anger, and how we can express it appropriately.

Repressing anger can lead to unhealthy consequences for the person who is feeling it; equally, not having any control over one’s rage, or understanding of it, can be damaging to one’s emotional and physiological health as well. It is about achieving a middle way, a more healthy balance.

“Always write angry letters to your enemies. Never mail them.”

James Fallows

An Allegory of Time Unveiling Truth. 1733.  Jean François De Troy. Wikioo.

“The cause of anger is the belief that we are injured; this belief, therefore, should not be lightly entertained. We ought not to fly into a rage even when the injury appears to be open and distinct: for some false things bear the semblance of truth. We should always allow some time to elapse, for time discloses the truth.”

 Seneca, On Anger

Perhaps, during some time-out, we can try not to merely build up further resentment towards the other, but to look at our own part in the conflict. We may also decide to think about what is behind both our own, and the other person’s anger.

“Usually when someone is angry, we hear their angry words. Instead, try hearing the unspoken: I am scared, I am frustrated, I am insecure, I am vulnerable, I feel threatened.”

Charles F Glassman

When things look like they are getting heated, do remember that valuable space…take some time… and use its rich and precious potential to the full!

Quote 4

Anger or the Tussle – (Dosso Dossi (Giovanni Di Niccolò De Luteri)) Wikioo

“Don’t allow little things to annoy you. At best, you are poisoning your soul. At worst, you are poisoning everyone around you.”

Wayne Gerard Trotman

This quotation has much in common with the phrase ‘Don’t sweat the small stuff.’ (From: Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff … and It’s All Small Stuff: Simple Ways to Keep the Little Things From Taking Over Your Life by Richard Carlson)This is about not wasting your energy on insignificant things in life.

Is your anger really justified? Is it really worth arousing bad feelings inside yourself and in those around you? Could you save it until tomorrow?

If we are constantly allowing small issues to irritate us, then we will need to take a long hard look at ourselves. We may think about what it is that is making us irritable and snappy, or on a short fuse; it could be to do with unresolved grief, unworked-through hurt or hatred of someone, underlying anxiety, stress or depression.

Quote 5 

“Never respond to an angry person with a fiery comeback, even if he deserves it…Don’t allow his anger to become your anger.”

Bohdi Sanders

Anger can be catching, spreading rapidly from one person to another. It can be hard to prevent oneself from reacting in a spontaneously unconsidered way. Allowing another’s anger to take us over implies, however, that the other person has some control over us and how we react.

In reality, no-one can ‘make’ us angry. We have the power to decide that it is our responsibility to respond maturely and appropriately….. and no-one else’s, no matter how provoking that other person might appear.

It is important that we do not blame others for triggering our anger. That would be dodging the issue and blame-shifting. It is our anger and it may be that we need to work on it.

“When you blame others, you give up your power to change.”

Robert Anthony

Next week, in Part 2 of this post, I will explore, amongst other issues, the ‘good’ aspects of becoming angry.

© Linda Berman.