The Night Cafe. Van Gogh. 1888. Wikimedia Commons.

“People who harm you will blame you for it. Remember, an abuser will generally always play the victim, spin a story, tell everyone and they generally call you crazy.”

Maranda Pleasant

In last week’s post, I described how gaslighting is pernicious and destabilising. If this is accompanied by violence or threats of violence, or if it is very damaging psychologically, this might be the time to get external help or to leave the relationship or the situation. 

Sometimes gaslighting may be an entrenched part of someone’s way of being, someone who, deep down, has a low self image, fears criticism, and tends towards the narcissistic and abusive in their lives generally.

Often, especially if the gaslighter is unaware and unconscious of such behaviour,  it may not possible for them to let go of such destructive relationship patterns and they cannot, or will not, change.

However, if the relationship is worth working on, and there is an awareness of such behaviour patterns and a wish to change, then it is important to learn how to understand and deal with gaslighting.

This is an old, repeated behaviour from childhood that needs to be recognised by the gaslighting partner. Who gaslighted them? What past scenarios are unconsciously being reenacted in the present ?

At times, a therapist may be necessary to help people through.

1. Looking at oneself: it takes two to tango

Tornado Tango, 1984 – Martin Disler. Wikioo

This might sound like victim-blaming, but it most certainly is not. The difficult fact to hear about gaslighting is that it takes two.

This is not intended to refer to child abuse, where the totally trapped abused child has no choice, no escape. In an adult work or other relationship, sometimes there is the choice or the power to leave or to do something different.

In order for a gaslighter to be successful in their malevolent game, the person on the receiving end must, consciously or unconsciously, believe something of what the gaslighter is saying about them and must be vulnerable and susceptible to taking on false accusations.

Perhaps they, too, have experienced a gaslighting parent?  Gaslighting is an interaction, a wretched and ugly twisting of the term ‘tango.’

Even when entangled in this way, if both parties can look at themselves, then there is some hope of change. The person who is the victim of gaslighting will need help to realise that they are not mad, or stupid, too sensitive, always in the wrong and the one to blame, or whatever else they may be accused of.

The gaslighter needs some awareness of how such old destructive behaviours can be revivified in the present and of their need to effect change in the way they currently relate to others.

The pattern is to blame other people; for example, if they lose their temper, or are dangerous in their actions, it is never their responsibility; rather, they will say “You provoked me, you made me do it.”

Their version of reality will be a lie, either consciously or unconsciously; they automatically manipulate and alter reality in order to drive the other person mad.

The person who is the focus of this crazy-making behaviour will need help to build resilience, to foster independence of mind and thinking, gain courage and a sense of self.

Additionally, they will require some kind of therapeutic intervention in order to boost their self-esteem, recognise their own strengths and keep a clear head when attempts are made to disorientate or confuse them.

The gaslighter thrives on other using people’s vulnerability and neediness for their own ends. Building self-belief, resistance and boldness is crucial if there is a wish to deal this extreme kind of psychological manipulation.

Resistance – André Aimé René Masson. 1944. Wikioo

2. Not Engaging With A Gaslighter

It is important not to try to win an argument with a gaslighter, prove them wrong, undermine, or outwit them. These tactics will only mean becoming more and more ensnared in the gaslighter’s web of lies and deceit.

Disengaging from a conversation with a gaslighter, whilst difficult, is supremely important.

Even when, or especially when, one experiences being emotionally triggered, that is, having old, overwhelming and painful, unresolved feelings roused by the other’s words or actions, it is still crucial not to allow oneself to be drawn into conflict by the gaslighter.

3. Being able to talk with someone.

The Fruits of Friendship – Françoise Gilot. 1991. Wikioo

“In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.”

Albert Schweitzer

Isolation is one way in which gaslighters can strengthen their hold on the other and become even more forceful and controlling. If the other person can have the courage and strength to maintain contacts with empathic others, the power of the gaslighter is lessened. This may involve friends, family, or it may require the help of a mental health professional.

Being able to share a just and clear version of what has occurred, without feeling overpowered or doubted, means that the victim’s version of reality is believed and affirmed. This is an important part of the process of recovery from gaslighting experiences.

If the person on the receiving end of the gaslighting can be confirmed in terms of their memories and perceptions, without being doubted, questioned, or pushed off balance psychologically, they will begin to feel supported and empowered.

In this way, they will learn to trust themselves and their instincts, with someone trustworthy alongside them to value their feelings, rather than having them minimised and disparaged.

In time, the hope is that those who have been gaslighted and manipulated will be able to regain their sense of agency and self-esteem, trust their own perceptions, and value their own, inborn intuition. 

Firm Belief Truth, Boldness, Self Reliance (study for over door, Old Senate Office Building) 1916 Louis Schaettle. Wikioo

“There’s nothing so dangerous for manipulators as people who choose to think for themselves.” 

Meg Greenfield

©Linda Berman.