Difficult Decision. Aleksandr Deyneka. Wikioo.

“Man is man because he is free to operate within the framework of his destiny. He is free to deliberate, to make decisions, and to choose between alternatives.”

Martin Luther King, Jr.

How good are you at making decisions… the difficult ones especially?  Do you impulsively act on your gut feelings, or do you take time to ponder and think, perhaps calling on others for their views?

There are many different decision-making styles and I explore some of these in this post, looking initially at indecision…

• Two opposite views about indecision

‘Contemplation’ (1896) by Jozef Israëls. Wikimedia commons

“The most creative people have learned to tolerate the slight discomfort of indecision for much longer and so, just because they put in more pondering time, their solutions are more creative.”

John Cleese

“Quick decisions are unsafe decisions.”

Sophocles

Edvard Munch – The Magic Forest. Wikimedia Commons

“Each indecision brings its own delays and days are lost lamenting over lost days… What you can do or think you can do, begin it. For boldness has magic, power, and genius in it.”

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

So what do I think in response to the two opposing views expressed in the quotations above? Well, at the risk of appearing indecisive, I genuinely feel that the truth lies somewhere in the middle!

Indecision is something we all experience, and, in itself, it is no bad thing. It allows us to weigh up options, giving us time to think, and to creatively consider the decisions we need to make.

However, if it continues over a long period, such prolonged indecision can mean that we miss chances and opportunities. On the other hand, rushing into decisions can be detrimental if we do not allow ourselves time to consider our options.

Indecisions. Mitchell Joyce. Flickr

“If you obsess over whether you are making the right decision, you are basically assuming that the universe will reward you for one thing and punish you for another… There is no right or wrong, only a series of possibilities that shift with each thought, feeling, and action that you experience.”

Deepak Chopra

It is the ‘obsessing’ part of this quote that is important; mulling over our decisions for a long time before we make them can create anxiety and can cause us to miss out on opportunities that arise.

We will, inevitably, be beset with uncertainty and doubt about what will be the result of our decision.

Depression and anxiety can also result in an inability to make decisions; ruminating on the rights and wrongs of a potential decision or constantly reflecting on what might go wrong may be symptoms of depression.

“Nothing is so exhausting as indecision, and nothing so futile.”

Attributed to Bertrand Russell

• Why can decision-making sometimes be so difficult?

“The path to decision may be hard because it leads into the territory of both finiteness and groundlessness—domains soaked in anxiety.”

Irvin D. Yalom

Yalom’s words encapsulate the difficulties of making some decisions. Anticipating the  ‘finiteness’ of certain decisions, and the fear of losing any of our previous solid foundations, our familiar base, can be very anxiety-making for us. There may be a sense of utter despair at feeling we have taken a ‘wrong’ turning in life, through making a decision that proves to be distressing in some ways.

However, not every aspect of the new decision will prove to be erroneous, and remaining in a state of indecision can be equally, if not more, disturbing.

Fearing making the ‘wrong’ decision can be paralysing and stressful; being in a prolonged state of indecision can make our lives miserable. We worry that we will miss promising opportunities.  If we are expecting the ‘perfect’ decision, we will be waiting forever.

Feeling indecisive is unpleasant and unsettling; as we vacillate between options, it can, indeed, be scary to contemplate the consequences of any decision.

Do you stay or leave? Do you buy this house or the other one? Do you apply for this local job or the one in the next town with more money? Do you get married or live together? Do you say something or keep quiet? Do you make no decision at all?

“When you have to make a choice and don’t make it, that is in itself a choice.”

William James

Decisions are rarely black and white, life is just not that simple; our emotions and our rational thinking skills are both involved; we need to be able use a combination of our imagination and our analytical abilities.

“Visionary decision-making happens at the intersection of intuition and logic.”

 Paul O’Brien

It is very important to be aware that, even if we slip up, we will learn from our errors of judgement.

“Knowledge rests not upon truth alone, but upon error also.”

Carl Jung

Learning from our mistakes involves trying to understand where and how we went wrong; this contributes to experience and learning.

“The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision.”

Maimonides

We can never really predict the outcome of our decisions; until we have taken the plunge and opted for one choice over another, there is no way of knowing how things will turn out.

We will never know which direction in life is the ‘right’ one for us, unless we try it, and make the brave decision to move into a new area. Choosing a path in life takes courage; it is, inevitably, a risk.

Mark Edwards. Deciding What to Do [2020] Gandalf’s Gallery. Flickr.

“Every decision brings with it some good, some bad, some lessons, and some luck. The only thing that’s for sure is that indecision steals many years from many people who wind up wishing they’d just had the courage to leap.”

Doe Zantamata

Nothing in our lives is black and white, there are always shades of grey. This means that every new decision will have both positive and negative ramifications.

“What’s called a difficult decision is a difficult decision because either way you go there are penalties.”

Elia Kazan

Thinking in absolute terms, and wanting perfection will be stunting to the making of creative decisions. If we are to be creative, we will need to be flexible, open and willing to try new ways and fresh, innovative approaches. We will be able to look at our decisions from different perspectives, with an attitude of openness and some awareness of possibilities and pitfalls.

“Creativity abides no absolutes.”

Shannon Taylor Hodnett

• Enlisting others to help us

To Decide the Question – John George Brown. 1897 Wikioo.

We do not, of course, want to be impulsive and make rash decisions; we may need to take time and consult others over big issues. Discussing and exploring our doubts and fears before making an important decision is a wise move. Having the benefits of others’ thoughts and ideas, brainstorming  and sharing opinions, can be very helpful.

Whilst no-one can, or should, make a decision for anyone else, a trusted friend may help us look at possible pitfalls, options and benefits. However, a word of caution is needed here. It is important to choose such friends wisely and not to be influenced by those who have nothing to lose if you fall by the wayside.

“It is hard to imagine a more stupid or more dangerous way of making decisions than by putting those decisions in the hands of people who pay no price for being wrong.”

Thomas Sowell

Some people may be disappointed or angry about our decisions, but if we try to please everybody, we will be taking on an impossible task and no decision will ever be made.

Being a people-pleaser and always saying ‘yes’ to others’ demands is hard work and detrimental to health and wellbeing. It is exhausting to have to keep fitting in with other people’s views and not to have developed or recognised one’s own ways of thinking. 

Pleasing others, doing what they want, adapting to their needs, being compliant, continually craving acceptance, are all a denial of oneself, of one’s identity and individuality.

Alexej Jawlensky – Portrait of a Girl. Wikimedia Commons

“Please all, and you will please none.”

Aesop

There are times when it is important to say ‘no’ to other people’s ideas and to the pressure to conform to their wishes; we need to learn to value ourselves and our opinions, and to be able make our own decisions even when we may be a lone voice in the crowd.

• The importance of getting off the fence

“It doesn’t matter which side of the fence you get off on sometimes. What matters most is getting off. You cannot make progress without making decisions.”

Jim Rohn

Whatever decision we make will have positive and negative aspects; but as the quotation says, the most important thing is that we have made a decision to get down from ‘the fence.’ Whilst the fence may be sturdy, sitting on or straddling it is not that comfortable, and nothing much happens up there anyway.

In coming down on one side or another, we have made a commitment. This takes courage, especially when the decision is significant and life-changing.

“The best thing about making difficult decisions is that you get to be wrong on your own terms.”

Anonymous

This quotation neatly sums up the fact that, even if we make the ‘wrong’ decision, at least we have made this ourselves. We hold the responsibility, and therefore we must have the power and the personal agency to do so.

Personal agency involves being confident enough to make difficult decisions and to deal with whatever life throws at us. Through coping with problems, we gain confidence, which increases our sense of personal power.

If life after making our decisions always went smoothly, we would never learn to withstand stress or disaster and we would feel powerless to face challenges. Responsibility as we grow up is very much about being able to make our own decisions, to use and trust our intelligence, whilst respecting and listening to others’ views.

Andy Warhol – Eva Mudocci (After Munch) [1984]

© Linda Berman

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