I am basing this post on a wonderfully insightful quotation from Herman Hesse (1877-1962), the poet and novelist…

Mystischer Kopf: Frauenkopf auf blauem Grund 1917
(Mystical Head: Woman’s Head on a Blue Background.) Wikimedia Commons

“To hold our tongues when everyone is gossiping, to smile without hostility at people and institutions, to compensate for the shortage of love in the world with more love in small, private matters; to be more faithful in our work, to show greater patience, to forgo the cheap revenge obtainable from mockery and criticism: all these are things we can do.”

Hermann Hesse

It is important to underline at the start of this post that Hesse is not advocating being angelic, for we are all human. Neither is he suggesting that we smile, or behave, in a falsely virtuous way, which would be dishonest and cunning…

“Villainy wears many masks; none so dangerous as the mask of virtue.”

Washington Irving

We will need to work on ourselves, perhaps in therapy, in order to try to genuinely follow his ways of being.

Rilke emphasised the necessity of us each having a balance of qualities, and embracing all aspects of ourselves in order to forge a rich and creative personality. We need both the light and darkness inside:

Two angels and two devils – Paolo Uccello. 1469. Wikioo

“Don’t take my devils away, because my angels may flee too.”

Rilke

“A hypocrite is a person who—but who isn’t?”

Don Marquis

Nevertheless, despite this need to balance our qualities, it is quite a salutary experience to seriously consider attempting to adopt some of the ways of thinking and being that are suggested. 

Hesse highlights the importance of not participating in malicious gossip. Falling in with a group of others gossiping is very easy to do, and can, at times, indicate vengefulness and hate. At others, gossiping may be merely informative and relatively harmless; it can be enjoyable and quite satisfying!

Gossip by the Canal, Venice (1883), Ettore Tito. Wikimedia Commons

“If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody come sit next to me.”

Alice Roosevelt Longworth

Sometimes, however, gossip can involve feelings of wanting to ‘get one’s own back’ on another person, or it might be about schadenfreude, when people feel pleasure at others’ misfortunes.

Those who feel envious of others may also spread malicious gossip. All this may say more about the gossips themselves than their victims.

“Never judge someone’s character based on the words of another. Instead, study the motives behind the words of the person casting the bad judgment.”

Suzy Kassem

• Breaking the wicked spell…

Jeune femme faisant du crochet. (Young woman doing crochet) c. 1892. Centre Pompidou. Suzanne Valadon. Wikimedia Commons

“No one gossips about other people’s secret virtues.”

Bertrand Russell

As a refreshing contrast, the above quotation turns the issue on its head, and makes us think.

Making Russell’s interesting point a reality would be a wonderful way of responding differently… we might say, in the middle of all the gossip…“Do you know that the person you are talking about actually makes fantastic crocheted dolls… she doesn’t tell a soul… just makes these and gives them quietly to deserving people…”

This comment might meet with a stunned silence in the midst of all the destructive talk, and it may also break the malicious gossip spell!

The suggestion by Hesse to ‘smile without hostility at people and institutions,’ is related to keeping one’s cool, even when faced with difficult people or those we might not agree with. In addition, given the impossibility of making up for the lack of love in the world, Hesse counsels us to focus, where we can, on loving people in one’s own personal relationships.

An important point he also makes is to refrain from mocking or cynicism; he calls this ‘cheap revenge.’ It is, indeed, ‘cheap,’ but such behaviour can cost us dearly, often rebounding on us in painful and self-destructive ways.

“The best revenge is not to be like your enemy.”

Marcus Aurelius

Maintaining one’s integrity in the face of another hurting and offending us may not always be easy. It is tempting to retaliate in kind and wreak revenge- and havoc.

Staying true to oneself will involve the ability to keep calm and congruent with one’s own values and perspective on life.

If someone is intentionally rude, thoughtless, causing us pain or gaslighting us, it is important that we see this as the other’s problem, make efforts to protect ourselves, and not become embroiled in energy-wasting battles. There is no rule or compulsion to forgive; forgiveness might happen only if it helps us to feel better or move on.

• Different Ways of Thinking…

What happens when you do act in a more thoughtful way, and hold back, show restraint and do not react as others might have expected you to? What happens if your response is unpredictable, deviating from the ‘norm’ of a knee-jerk reaction?

Doing something different requires courage and clarity; it lifts your responses into the realm of calm, of peace, of considered strength and wisdom, rather than rash impulse and impetuosity.

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

Attributed to Viktor E. Frankl

As Frankl implies, this way of being is not only about self-control. It involves choice, engaging our thinking powers, and finding new ways of thinking about difficult situations where we might feel compelled to react rather than respond thoughtfully.

How often are we tempted to react, to ‘shoot from the hip,’ when we are, for example, angry with another person? So often, this leads to an escalation of hostilities, creating more distress and pain in a relationship.

If we take a few moments to calm down, perhaps to leave the room, to allow ourselves some thinking space, often the feelings will give way to some more sensitive understanding or self and other. Empathy is not an indication of weakness, it is just the opposite.

“Practice the pause. Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you’re about to react harshly and you’ll avoid doing and saying things you’ll later regret.”

 Lori Deschene

“The first sign of maturity is not reacting to others’ immaturity.”

D. Muthukrishnan

Anger or the Tussle – (Dosso Dossi (Giovanni Di Niccolò De Luteri)) 1486-1542. Wikioo.

“Never respond to an angry person with a fiery comeback, even if he deserves it…Don’t allow his anger to become your anger.”

 Bohdi Sanders

In addition, not allowing oneself to be overly affected by others’ views, especially when they differ markedly from our own, takes courage and resilience. Showing composure and grace under fire is noble and dignified and it will often increase respect from others.

It is easy to allow ourselves to be hurt and angry when, for example, we receive what may be unfair criticism, but expressing these emotions without prior consideration is likely to increase conflict.

“The final proof of greatness lies in being able to endure criticism without resentment.”

Elbert Hubbard

Here is a story about Buddha, which serves as a powerful illustration of the above quotation:

Buddha Walking among the Flowers – Odilon Redon. 1905.Wikioo

Buddha came across a man who wanted to test his ability to respond rather than react to another’s critical or abusive behaviour. He insulted and abused Buddha repeatedly.

“Buddha was unmoved, he simply turned to the man and said, “May I ask you a question?”
The man responded with, “Well, what?”
Buddha said, “If someone offers you a gift and you decline to accept it, to whom then does it belong?”
The man said, “Then it belongs to the person who offered it.”
Buddha smiled, “That is correct. So if I decline to accept your abuse, does it not then still belong to you?”
The man was speechless and walked away.”

(Quoted from Celestine Chua, Personal Excellence.)

“In this world in which we live simplicity and kindness are the only magic wands that work wonders.”

L. Frank Baum

© Linda Berman

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