Jan Matejko, Stańczyk. 1862. Wikimedia Commons

“Besides, nowadays, almost all capable people are terribly afraid of being ridiculous, and are miserable because of it.”

Fyodor Dostoevsky

• Are you afraid of being regarded as foolish, and do you get easily embarrassed?

Feeling ‘afraid of being ridiculous’ is about not wanting to stand out, or be mocked when we slip up.

Such self-consciousness can, indeed, make us feel very miserable. Embarrassment and feeling foolish for something we have said or done can make us go hot under the collar, feeling insignificant and small, humiliated, shaky, tense, heart pounding, blushing fiercely and wanting to hide away.

Looks Embarrassed – Tsukioka Yoshitoshi. 1888. Wikimedia Commons

This is close to a feeling of shame, thinking that all eyes are on us and on our utter stupidity. Our levels of self-esteem plummet; old self-doubts rise up. Past messages of not being good enough cascade into consciousness. This feels awful…What must people think??

And yet…

The Laughing Fool, by an unknown artist from Netherlands (active in 1500s). Wikimedia Commons

“The cleverest of all, in my opinion, is the man who calls himself a fool at least once a month.”

Fyodor Dostoevsky

Dostoevsky reminds us that being able to acknowledge our own foolishness is, actually, the mark of a clever person.  

What does he mean by this statement?

He is referring to the importance of maintaining humility, of being aware of oneself, and of not always appearing to have the answers. Being able to doubt oneself and one’s beliefs is a mark of astuteness and intelligence, and many wise, erudite people have testified to this fact:

“The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts.”

Bertrand Russell

“The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool.”

Shakespeare

“Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance.”

Confucius

“I know that I am intelligent,
because I know that I know nothing.”

Socrates

Always being certain and purporting to know everything is, in fact, foolish. Being aware of one’s own limitations is realistic, wise and shows self-knowledge.

In Shakespearean plays, and in historical courts, the fool was given license to speak the truth to those with power and nobility. The fool was thus wise, jesting but uttering often painful truths behind the humour.

• Fear of joining the dance…

Egon Schiele – Seated Woman with Legs Drawn Up (Adele Herms) 1917. Wikimedia Commons

“The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.”

Elbert Hubbard.

Sitting on the sidelines and fearing to take part in the dance of life can result in a lack of purpose and fulfilment. Feeling foolish could make us retreat, playing things safe and avoiding the opportunities that may come our way.

Dancing Woman – Rabindranath Thakur. 1940 Wikioo.

“If you do not join the dancing you will feel foolish. So why not dance? And I will tell you a secret: if you do not join the dance, we will know you are a fool. But if you dance, we will think well of you for trying. If you dance badly to begin and we laugh, what is the sin in that? We will begin there.”

Robert Fulghum, What On Earth Have I Done?: Stories, Observations, and Affirmations

These words are referring not only to dancing, but to life itself; seen from this wider angle, it is apparent that this is about risking really taking part in life…fully living. It will, at times, inevitably, mean that we must not be too self-conscious, and that we will need to risk looking like a fool.

Even if people laugh at our first tentative steps in doing something new, well what of it? What does it matter if we slip up from time to time and provide some amusement for others?

“Mistakes are, after all, the foundations of truth, and if a man does not know what a thing is, it is at least an increase in knowledge if he knows what it is not.”

Carl Jung

Mistakes can be a way of learning. There is no need to get it all right, but it is important to recognise and own our mistakes. Denying responsibility will mean there is no learning or moving forward into further experimenting.

“By our stumbling, the world is perfected.”

Sri Aurobindo

• Making mistakes as a therapist 

We all make mistakes, and therapists are no different in this regard. We may be left feeling foolish or that we have failed; however, learning from these mistakes is a crucial way of developing and refining our skills, no matter how experienced we may be. We can find examples of this learning from error through perusing the writings of many celebrated therapists throughout history.

Whatever our mistake, it is important to have awareness of what such slip-ups might be about, and how they can reflect both the client and the therapist. This can lead to more self-understanding for the therapist and, perhaps, further knowledge about the client, or both.

“If you make a mistake, admit it. Any attempt at cover-up will ultimately backfire. At some level the patient will sense you are acting in bad faith, and therapy will suffer. Furthermore, an open admission of error is good model-setting for patients and another sign that they matter to you.”

Yalom

In both therapy and life in general, if others witness us coping well with slipping up and feeling foolish, then that will be an excellent learning opportunity for them.

Professor Jonathan Shedler, the American psychotherapist, has wisely said:

“I don’t think I had a session in my life where I didn’t make a mistake.”

Repeated errors may mean we need to reflect, engage in some introspection, and then decide how we will get help to move forward, either through supervision, or therapy, or both. In this way, mistakes can promote new beginnings.

“The psychotherapist learns little or nothing from his successes. They mainly confirm him in his mistakes, while his failures, on the other hand, are priceless experiences in that they not only open up the way to a deeper truth, but force him to change his views and methods.”

Carl Jung

• Carrying on regardless…

Acrobat Falling. Everett Shinn.1910. Wikioo.

“Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.”

Confucius

Whilst it is often difficult to pick ourselves up after feeling foolish and to begin again, it is important that we do not let our slip-ups prevent us from continuing, despite feeling ridiculed and embarrassed. 

“The secret of the creative life is to feel at ease with your own embarrassment.”

Brian Tracy.

What we need is courage, maturity, and the strength to carry on despite setbacks and feeling stupid sometimes. This takes confidence, and the ability to laugh at oneself, even after tumbling down and temporarily losing our footing. Taking the knocks and bruises of life is very much part of the process of living and developing as people. Once we are free enough to allow ourselves not to be overly affected by embarrassment, then the world is our oyster!

“I have to learn to ignore my feelings. Not just the feeling of hunger and the feeling of being full, but the feeling of embarrassment, too. I have to remember that this is only weird if I make it weird.”

Joey Chestnut

Acknowledging that we do not get it all right and being more accepting of ourselves, even being able to laugh at ourselves… these are all ways in which we can cope with and manage feelings of awkwardness or foolishness.

We are all human, and we all end up feeling foolish sometimes. However, we do not have to be defined by our errors and our slip-ups, for they merely indicate a very special quality… and that is… our humanity.

“We must learn to give ourselves permission to blunder, to fail, and to make fools of ourselves every day for the rest of our lives. We do so in any case.”

Sheldon B. Kopp

© Linda Berman