“Wearisome conversation” (A soldier hides his yawn from his lady companion.) 1912. Oscar Bluhm.Wikimedia Commons.

“The secret of being a bore… is to tell everything.”

Voltaire

What makes a person appear boring? Whilst it is unfair to label people, and important to listen and give attention to everyone as far as is humanly possible, there do seem to be amongst us those who generally are regarded as wearisome and difficult to be with for any length of time.

The Jury (1861) John Morgan. Wikimedia Commons.

These may be people who are full of kindness and they may be knowledgeable and thoughtful, yet they also come over as lacking in the ability to really engage with the other person.

I am enclosing the world ‘boring’ in inverted commas, as it will become clear in this post that being ‘boring’ is only part of that person’s story; it is most often a cover for a repressed, but far more interesting person underneath.

• ‘Telling everything’

We’ve all been there – trapped by a person who typically comes over as uninteresting, superficial, monotonous, ‘boring.’ It can be difficult to disengage without causing offence, yet almost unbearable to remain in the company of one who many of us can find tediously dull.

“Never fail to know that if you are doing all the talking, you are boring somebody.”

Helen Gurley Brown

Voltaire’s words encapsulate one of the most common characteristics of someone who people find ‘boring’: one who recounts events in minute and often trivial detail, not omitting anything, hardly pausing for breath between sentences.

‘Telling everything,‘ in the words of Voltaire, means that the speaker is totally immersed in their own world, unaware of the other. They are usually unable to detect the fact that information that is highly interesting to them may not actually be very fascinating to another- and they rarely notice the stifled yawns!

On and on they go, filling in every trivial minutia of information, loving the sound of their own voice and the opportunity to hold forth with tales about their work, children or holidays (often accompanied by snaps on their smartphone, which take ages to find!)

They can be totally unaware that others are climbing the walls in utter frustration at the banal and plodding, monotonous and often illustrated, monologue. It is quite draining of energy to be with such a person. Their monologue is usually centred around themselves and their own lives, and there are no questions asked about the other.

Aleksandr Makovsky. ‘I’m bored with you.’ 1897. Wikimedia Commons

Such a person will inevitably be regarded as tiresome, intimidating and perhaps arrogant. This defensive stance demeans other people and it also deprives the ‘boring’ person themselves of learning about other people.

It also results in relationships becoming one-sided and limited, in that they will miss out on the pleasure of a flowing, interactive, give and take, real and equal dialogue, with each person respected for who they are.

Sometimes a ‘boring’ person projects the image of knowing a lot more than others do. This is an unattractive quality and it certainly does not endear people to them.

Being a tedious know-all will likely mean that the person talks non-stop, blocking out the other, without making eye-contact or any real relationship with them. This is another feature of the ‘boring’ person; they do not really connect. This might suggest that being ‘boring’ could sometimes be a defence against real engagement with another person.

Pierre-Auguste Renoir- Woman Leaning (Femme accoudée) 1887. Gandalf’s Gallery, Flickr.

Often, when people appear ‘boring,’ it is because they are not able to be authentic, or to share real feelings. Perhaps then, the boring-ness is a defence against showing feelings, a way of warding off emotions with empty words.

There is likely to be an interesting person underneath all along, hidden under a deep layer of verbal padding. Often, we may sense that such a person is flat, and dead, drained of energy and aliveness, in that they are repressing so much. Perhaps they have never been given the feeling as children that being authentic is important and they have learned that showing emotions can be detrimental to them.

• Boredom in psychotherapy

Alexei Jawlensky. Head. c. 1910. Wikimedia Commons

“…Boredom, a countertransference, is, to use an overused phrase, grist for the therapeutic mill. Boredom is the window into emotional blocking, the common way in which people check out from themselves.”

Dr S. Vollmer.

When the therapist feels bored with a client, they need to be aware of the potential meaning of this experience, to know that something is being hidden underneath this client’s ‘boring’ facade. The therapist’s feeling bored is a good clue that there is more going on inside the client than meets the eye.

Countertransference refers to the feelings and emotions that the therapist experiences in response to the client. Those feelings give the therapist a powerful clue as to the thoughts and feelings of the client.

Often the bored front is a way of covering angry or shameful emotions; as a therapist, my own feelings have told me something valuable about the client’s mental state. It is very important to use this sensitive knowledge in a helpful and therapeutic way, to ultimately enable the client to learn more about themselves and how they come over in relationships.

• Boring people are often incurious and do not listen

Marianne von Werefkin: Selfportrait I. 1910. Wikimedia Commons

“The only reason people do not know much is because they do not care to know. They are incurious. Incuriousity is the oddest and most foolish failing there is.”

Stephen Fry

Those who appear ‘boring’ to others often seem uninterested and incurious. Sadly, this may mean that they are missing or overlooking other people’s individuality and the unique aspects of their personalities.

They do not seem curious about what makes others tick. This also means that no questions will be asked; if they are, the aims of the question will be to answer it themselves, and the conversation will be quickly switched back to them. Being stuck in one’s own world will mean that  listening and attending to another is not on the agenda.

“Listen with curiosity. Speak with honesty. Act with integrity. The greatest problem with communication is we don’t listen to understand. We listen to reply. When we listen with curiosity, we don’t listen with the intent to reply. We listen for what’s behind the words.”

Roy T. Bennett

• ‘Boring’ people do not often share authentic feelings

Alexej von Jawlensky – Frauenkopf (Head of a Woman) 1911. Wikimedia Commons

“If you pay attention, everyone is a novel. The most boring person, if you sit down and really listen, is someone interesting.”

Diane von Furstenberg

Perhaps afraid of showing their vulnerable sides, people who come over as ‘boring’ may hide their feelings under a barrage of uninteresting facts and distancing narratives. It is hard to identify with a person who is disconnected from emotions, who does not show their more human side, only presenting us with lifeless statements of fact in a flat voice.

“I think that in order for anything to work on television, you have to have conflict. Nothing can be too happy or it’s boring. People don’t want to watch that – they want to watch things that are exciting and dangerous and sexy and have tension.”

Carrie Preston

The above words refer to people in life as well; unless there is some ‘conflict,’ some sharing of tension and, authentic personal problems and pain, then we will appear ‘boring.’

Alexei von Jawlensky – Portrait of a Woman. 1912. Wikimedia Commons

“Perfection is boring. If a face doesn’t have mistakes, it’s nothing.”

Kevyn Aucoin

• What can we do if we feel we may be boring?

I guess we all fear being boring, and no-one wants to be seen in that way. So if we suspect we might be boring people, if others regularly seem to look away whilst we are speaking, if we constantly appear to be losing our ‘audience,’ then how might we address this issue?

“Boring people don’t know they’re boring. That’s the problem with boring people.”

 James Yeh

Awareness of self is key in this; becoming conscious of how we impact on others will mean that we can work on changing our habitual style of speaking and being.

“I can excuse everything but boredom. Boring people don’t have to stay that way. “

Hedy Lamarr

We can begin to focus on really showing- and feeling- interest in other people, rather than talking at them or only half listening. Our facial expressions, warmth, eye contact and body-language can all communicate that we are giving a person our fullest attention, as well a nodding appropriately and giving verbal confirmations that we are accepting and non-judgmental.

The Conversation – Mary Stevenson Cassatt. 1896. Wikioo

We may want to lean towards the other, just a little, to indicate that we are fully present for them. It is also important not to have one eye on a mobile phone whilst having a conversation with someone!

We can ask questions about the other person that have emerged from genuinely listening to what they have said, from really attending to their words and the meanings behind them, without interrupting or butting in with our own views or our own similar narratives. It is important to learn not to take the focus away from the person we are with in order to deflect this back to ourselves. We need to listen to understand the other, and not just as a way of enabling ourselves to say our piece.

The Conversation – Louis C Moeller. c.1907. Wikioo

Whilst being aware of boundaries and of whom we can trust with our confidences, we might consider allowing ourselves to genuinely share who we are, how we feel, what we might fear or worry about. This sends out a message of being real and authentic, of valuing and needing the other person and their opinions and thoughts, and it also infuses our own personal stories with interest and aliveness.

It will, inevitably, capture another’s attention, and it can mean that we will come over as genuine, interesting people, far from boring, and willing to openly engage in a relationship of mutual interest and real exchange.

If you have enjoyed reading this post, please consider becoming a follower of my blog. Thank you. Linda.