Quote 1

Jawlensky. Portrait of Alexander Sakharoff, 1909.Wikimedia Commons

“The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.”

  Michel de Montaigne

This is an image of the Russian dancer Alexander Sakharoff, (1886-63) a man who was comfortable with himself and his androgynous appearance. This takes self-respect; he truly belonged to himself, challenging gender conventions. Jawlensky painted him many times.

The Montaigne quotation expresses something of the joy of ‘belonging to oneself.’  What does this mean exactly? 

It is reminiscent of the message in the great song ” I am who I am,” a celebration of gay pride from the musical La Cage aux Folles. The words of this song also express the importance of belonging to, and being responsible for, oneself:

“I am what I am
And what I am needs no excuses
I deal my own deck   
Sometimes the ace, sometimes the deuces…”

Belonging to oneself means that we can be comfortable with our own company, can value ourselves and feel at home in our own skin, at home with ourselves.

What do I mean by the phrase ‘to feel at home with ourselves?’ In order to feel a sense of belonging, of being a part of something, we may start by searching for a place to feel at home. However, if we do not feel safe, secure and comfortable inside, an external home will not in itself satisfy our needs.

Mandala of the Six Chakravartins. Tibetan Buddhist thangka painting of a mandala. 19th century. Wikimedia Commons

“This is because home, the real home we are seeking is something within ourselves and our own being.  Symbolically, it is the center of the mandala.  Home is connection with the centre of our own being; it is to be accepting of and at home with the deepest part of the self.  But to find that, we must undertake an inner journey.”

Collinson.

For this journey into the self, we might use meditation, religion, psychotherapy. This journey is surely one where we must discover for ourself that we are good enough.

It is true that a home inside the self, a feeling of self acceptance and belonging inside us, is what many people might be seeking when they come for psychotherapy. In this case, home means so much more than a place, a building, bricks and mortar. This home is related, not to physical space, but to psychic space.

“Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.”

Brené Brown

“The trance of unworthiness keeps the sweetness of belonging out of reach. The path to “the sweetness of belonging,” is acceptance – acceptance of ourselves and acceptance of others without judgment.”

Tara Brach

Self acceptance is a key component of self-respect; valuing all parts of ourselves, recognising and acknowledging those aspects of our personality that need to be expressed and also those that require some ‘reigning in.’

Quote 2

Detail of Mulher do Chale verde by Cyprien Eugene Boulet. Before 1927. Wikimedia Commons

“There is only one real misfortune: to forfeit one’s own good opinion of oneself. Lose your complacency, once betray your own self-contempt and the world will unhesitatingly endorse it.”

Thomas Mann

This wise quotation from the great novelist Thomas Mann reminds us of the importance of maintaining our self-esteem, and holding onto the faith we have in ourselves. It is crucial to keep our self-regard and not allow it to slip away under a torrent of self-doubt; if this happens, Mann points out that others around us will quickly pick this up and feed our lack of confidence in ourselves. This is a far from pleasant thought, but sadly one that will ring true for many of us. 

Whilst not everyone will home in on our self-doubts, there are those that appear to gain some kind of pleasure from mistreating people who lack a ‘good opinion’ of themselves, those who cannot validate their own self-worth.

It is true that we ‘teach’ others how to treat us; sometimes unconsciously, we may send out messages that instruct the world to regard us with contempt, because that is how we see ourselves. Without a firm conviction of our own value, other people will reflect this low self-image back to us, which, of course, will only serve to increase our own lack of self-respect.

Learning to silence undermining inner voices that keep telling us that we are worthless is crucial…

“The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself.”

Maya Angelou

Destructive feelings of self-doubt are frequently encouraged by a harsh voice inside us that is toxic, self-blaming and critical, often inherited from a parental figure from the past. We may not altogether be aware of the existence of this voice, so accustomed are we to its lurking presence.

If we have not faced this critical internal speaker, perhaps in psychotherapy, then it will constantly replay inside us, telling us how bad and inadequate we are, creating more reservations and worry, making our life much harder than it needs to be. 

This is a kind of self-torment, plaguing us with anguish, catastrophising, and flooding our minds with negative, self-doubting ruminations. It is crucial to gain awareness of this, in order that we can understand its roots and prevent ourselves from becoming stuck in the most negative conclusions about ourselves.

Remaining true to oneself is at times not easy, especially when there is pressure to behave otherwise. Understanding the self is crucial here.

“He that respects himself is safe from others. He wears a coat of mail that none can pierce.”

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Quote 3

Rembrandt, Woman lying awake in bed. Drawing, pen and brown ink, c. 1635–1640.

“To live without self-respect is to lie awake some night… counting up the sins of commission and omission.”

Joan Didion

Many of us will recognise and identify with these perceptive words; how many people reading this will know the awful experience of lying awake at night going over and over some event, mistake or action in their daily life that haunts them without mercy…What we did do, what we didn’t do, what we might have done… all these scenarios can go round and round in our mind until we really cannot sleep at all, so active are our thoughts, our regrets, our self-blame…

Often, as Didion points out, this is because we lack the self-respect to exist comfortably in our own skin, accepting ourselves and our human frailties. This helps us avoid the paralysis that crippling self-doubts bring, haunted by what we see as our failures, racked with guilt and regret, unforgiving of our human frailties.

It is as if when we lack self-respect, we cannot let ourselves off the hook, cannot offer to ourselves the comfort that we would surely offer another with similar self-doubts. There is no ability to soothe the self or offer some solace or something easeful. Sometimes, this can be a repeat of how we have been treated in the past… without empathy or understanding, criticised and full of judgement and condemnation. This is no way to treat anyone, especially ourselves!

Quote 4

Giorgione, Portrait of a Man. 1506. Wikimedia Commons

“People with self-respect exhibit a certain toughness, a kind of moral nerve; they display what was once called character, a quality which, although approved in the abstract, sometimes loses ground to the other, more instantly negotiable virtues…. character–the willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life–is the source from which self-respect springs.”

Joan Didion

Didion speaks here of ‘a certain toughness, a kind of moral nerve…’ This is also resilience, the ability to withstand trouble and trauma, misfortune and crisis, and to be able to survive and recover from these with fortitude and courage. Being resilient is having the strength to bounce back after difficult experiences, perhaps gaining more wisdom and vigour as a result of surviving all the pain and distress.

Quote 5

“Self-respect will keep a man from being abject when he is in the power of enemies, and will enable him to feel that he may be in the right when the world is against him.”

Bertrand Russell

Being ‘in the power of one’s enemies’ could imply many things, but it certainly means that we are in a situation where we appear to be alone amongst powerful adversaries. This could involve situations both personally and at work, and we may all have experienced this kind of opposition.

Russell is emphasising the fact that, if we have self-respect, we will be enabled to hold on to our sense of rightness, to adhere to our convictions and principles even when we are pressurised and when we feel that ‘the world is against us.’ Despite the antagonism and power of the majority, self-respect will mean that we will not be tyrannised  or intimidated by others’ hostility and antipathy.

This is about having an inner strength and personal power; it is related to integrity and to trusting ourselves in spite of criticism and challenge.

“Never esteem anything as of advantage to you that will make you break your word or lose your self-respect.”

 Marcus Aurelius

© Linda Berman