How are using language, and choosing words, related to awareness? So many people speak without prior thought, consideration, care or empathy for the other person.

In this post, I will explore the importance of choosing our words carefully, of considering the other’s feelings, and of learning more about ourselves through examining the language we use.

• Words can hurt

“Oppressive language does more than represent violence; it is violence…..It is the language that drinks blood, laps vulnerabilities, tucks its fascist boots under crinolines of respectability and patriotism. “

Toni Morrison

Words can be magical, beautiful, creative, healing. However, they can mean, or imply, something very different in different contexts, or with different intonation.

“The same word we love and hate, leaves in different directions, taking different paths.”

Dejan Stojanovic

Sadly, if they are used with evil intent or lack of care, words can be viciously destructive. The old adage ‘sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me,’ is patently false.

Helene Schjerfbeck – The Sailor. 1918. Wikimedia Commons

“Sticks and stones may break bones, but words can shatter souls. Choose carefully the words you say to others. Choose wisely the words you say to yourself. Words have a way of becoming truths we believe about ourselves. And what we believe, we become.”

 L.R. Knost

Using words and language that are wounding and hurtful to the other person is powerful and potentially very damaging; it may be a way of unloading our own unhappy feelings onto someone else.

The Bitter Potion. Adriaen Brouwer. Gandalf’s Gallery. Flickr. 

“The misuse of language induces evil in the soul.”

Socrates

Somehow, using language thoughtlessly can contaminate us, spreading poisonous evil into us. It is as if the words themselves, used in a wicked way, become infectious and actually change us negatively.

Just as they have the power to make us feel happy, words can also transform us into monsters.

“Words are never ‘only words’; they matter because they define the contours of what we can do.”

Slavoj Žižek

The words we choose delineate not only the ‘contours of what we can do,’ but also serve to describe who we are. For example, speaking badly to, or about, another person can reveal much more about ourselves than the person we try to condemn.

Our accusatory language reflects who we are and can be a way of denying or sidestepping our personal shortcomings.

Words are important…. most especially when we talk to children.

Words can be devastatingly effective as destroyers of a child’s sense of self-worth. A recent Guardian article , by Professor Peter Fonagy, highlighted the importance of speaking to children with respect and care, for they can be deeply affected by harsh words for the rest of their lives. This is confirmed in a new research study:

“Using words to intimidate, shame and control may appear less obviously harmful than bodily threat, but the same risks accompany this misuse of language: low self-esteem, increased nicotine, alcohol and substance use, increased risk of anxiety, depression, even psychotic disorders. We know from hundreds of studies and this new systematic review that exposure to verbal abuse profoundly affects children, and is associated with persistent psychological distress.”

Professor Peter Fonagy.

• Pausing…. and thinking

Carl Seiler. The Pause 1916. Wikimedia Commons

“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

Victor Frankl

Being mindful of how we respond to others on a daily basis is crucial if we are to foster productive and peaceful relationships. 

‘Shooting from the hip,’ that is, reacting without thought or care for how the other person might be affected by our words, can exacerbate conflict and disharmony.

Galloping horse – Edvard Munch. 1915. Wikioo

Like a riderless horse, crashing into another’s personal space, those who use words without any conscious thought will inevitably ride roughshod over others. They will most likely have little awareness or care about the destructive impact of their language and behaviour.

It may be that such quick-fire, point-blank comments are the first thing that comes to mind; these are impromptu, unprocessed reactions, without thinking of the consequences….. without thinking at all. 

Just as an animal reacts immediately to a stimulus, so some people are unable to stop themselves from giving an instinctive retort. Such impulsiveness can cause much harm to self and other.

With no time for consideration, preparation, or self-control, words are uttered that can be harsh, abusive and ultimately can lead to loss of face….. or shame and defeat.

If we recognise this tendency in ourselves, towards having a lack of impulse control, are there ways of thinking and acting to manage such destructiveness?

One good way of giving ourselves space to think is to consciously pause, as Frankl wisely suggests, especially if we feel emotionally triggered by what another has said.

Allowing the feelings to dissipate-and making space for thinking before we respond- is a way to ensure that we will speak from a position of calmness and clarity.

Often this helps put the brakes on an angry remark, a tirade of insults, or simply an over-hasty response that we might regret later on, when we have had time to think it through.

Portrait of a Man, 2004-2006 – Anger. Gert Germeraad. Wikimedia Commons

“When your rage is choking you, it is best to say nothing.” 

Octavia E. Butler.

The key is to understand the importance of thinking before speaking. Of course, there are times when spontaneity is necessary and delightful, but we must also be able to detect when we need to have a more measured response and think carefully about possible consequences.

“The best fighter is never angry.”  

Lao Tzu

Pausing will help us to stop repeating the same old argumentative or defensive patterns of response, that will lead to more fighting and take us down a dead-end path.

“Practice the pause. Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you’re about to react harshly and you’ll avoid doing and saying things you’ll later regret.”

Lori Deschene

Jack Cornfield, who is Buddhist, sees such pauses as ‘sacred,’ allowing us to get in touch with the best parts of ourselves… and, as a result, we can choose our best words:

August von Pettenkofen (1822–1889)A Thoughtful Pause. Wikimedia Commons

“Try this in your next argument or conflict: Take a pause. Hold everyone’s struggle in compassion. Reflect on your highest intention. Whenever things get difficult, pause before you speak and sense your wisest motivation. From there, it will all flow better.”

Jack Cornfield

Sometimes, when the other pushes us beyond our limit, provoking and taunting, we may lose our temper. After all, we are only human.

However, it is important to attempt to identify one’s own triggers for anger, and try hard to have control over the self, maybe going for psychological help to gain more awareness and perhaps to learn strategies, if anger feels regularly out of control.

• Waking up to being a more woke.

“Once you start making the effort to ‘wake yourself up’—that is, be more mindful in your activities—you suddenly start appreciating life a lot more.” 

Robert Biswas-Diener

How can being woke help us to appreciate our life? How does this relate to the language we use?

To be continued next week…….

© Linda Berman