Paul Harney – Beyond Redemption [1891] Gandalf’s Gallery

“It’s no trick loving somebody at their best. Love is loving them at their worst.”

Tom Stoppard

People need to be loved at their worst. Why is this, what exactly does it mean and where did this need originate?

When we are young it is crucially important that we feel safe and secure, even if we act in what might be seen by adults as ‘unacceptable’ ways, such as hitting out, expressing hate and anger, screaming, being messy, or having tantrums. These kinds of behaviours usually indicate an inner frustration, or they may reveal that some emotional needs are not being met; perhaps the child feels confused, tired, or unsafe in some way.

If such acting out behaviour is met with anger or rejection by the adult, then the child will learn that, in order to be acceptable, they have to be ‘good,’ otherwise they will not be loved. Of course, the child will need boundaries, and not, for example, be allowed to hit others.

However, alongside this, they also need to be contained and cared for so that they will feel loved and emotionally held by a clear, calm and fair parental approach. They need to know that, when they are struggling, they will still be loved for who they are, and not be forced to comply with some strict parental mode of behaviour.

Georgios Jakobides. “Naughty Grandson” 1884. Wikimedia Commons

“If you call a child naughty, all you’re doing is creating a naughty child.” 

Unknown

If the parental figure is rejecting, the child will learn that they are not safe being themselves, or expressing their true feelings, and this can lead to an adult sense of shame about who they are and the constant need to please others in order to feel acceptable.

A child needs gentle help to develop their own ability to have control over their emotions as they grow, and not to be labelled as ‘bad’ and manipulated into becoming a cardboard cutout of the parents’ needs.

Alice Bailly. Woman Before a Mirror [1918] Gandalf’s Gallery. Flickr.

“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.”

Thomas Merton

Similarly, in an adult relationship, both partners’ wishes to be accepted ‘warts and all’ continue; these do not disappear in adulthood. There is still the need to reveal deep and, perhaps ‘unacceptable’ feelings to the other and still be loved. These feelings may be more complicated than in childhood, less clear and more entangled; nevertheless, adults generally want the other to accept the whole of them… that is, the insecure, angry, shouty, unreasonable parts, which we all have, as well as the loving and giving aspects of their personality.

An adult who has been forbidden in childhood to express their real feelings may find it difficult to do so in their relationships and this can lead to ongoing problems and difficulties. 

Two lovers by candlelight. 1700’s. Wikimedia Commons

“A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.”

Walter Winchell

In any kind of true relationship, we need to feel that there are people there for us who will stay even when things are tough…when we may not have acted at our best, when we have made mistakes, when life has made us sad or depressed, when others have left us all alone.

Loving someone at their worst is a part of what true love is about. It is not conditional upon the other’s behaviour, within reason…

“Love” by Leigh Bongiorno.2017. Wikimedia Commons

“When you love someone, you love the person as they are, and not as you’d like them to be.”

 Leo Tolstoy

Loving someone is, indeed, about loving the whole person, and not wanting to force them to fit into your own design for them.

What is unconditional love? Does it mean we love another, no matter what, without strings, boundaries or expectations? Is it even possible for us humans to love unconditionally?

“Unconditional love is an illogical notion, but such a great and powerful one.”

A.J. Jacobs

Generally, people can recognise that unconditional love may, hopefully, exist between parent and child. For some, it might be harder to imagine such love between adults. However, these are adults we are discussing, not children. Maybe we cannot love someone, nor should we, if, for example, they continually abuse or hurt us, without awareness or the wish to change their behaviour. If we do this, we are ignoring our own needs and not showing love to ourselves.

• Loving ourselves

Alexej von Jawlensky. Bildnis (Bildnis Toni) Circa 1915. Wikimedia Commons

“The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well.”

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

If we do not love ourselves, we cannot give love to others. Showing compassion to ourselves is important. We need to find a way to love ourselves at our worst, too; if we are able to forgive ourselves for the times when we have been at our worst, then we can learn to recognise and accept such behaviours in others and not judge them too harshly.

This does not mean that we should not work on our weaknesses and on the areas we need to change. It does mean that, unless we come to terms with the existence of our human fallibilities, we will not be able to work on changing them, living in denial and lacking in personal awareness.

Edouard Manet – At the Café. 1879.  Wikimedia Commons

“Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people.”

Carl Jung

Once we do allow ourselves know the sides of ourselves that feel dark and unacceptable, then we can begin to face them and work on them.

For those who decide embark on psychotherapy in order to gain more self-awareness, this may involve facing internal, repressed ‘monsters,’ gaining insight and understanding, becoming more of a whole, individuated person, having the freedom to be oneself, and bringing about real and lasting change.

Becoming a better, more fully-rounded person is not about repressing the ‘bad’ aspects of the self. It is related to being more able to acknowledge the less palatable sides of the personality. In this way, as I have said, others’ darker, ‘worst’ sides will also be more acceptable.

Posing as perfect angels is unreal and unsatisfactory and will likely lead to unconsciously acting out repressed dark impulses. Aggression, murderous feelings, manipulative behaviour, are in all of us. We need to be aware of these aspects of ourselves, so that they can be examined, processed and controlled, rather than given free rein, potentially causing damage to self and others.

The ‘monstrous’, raging, nasty parts of all of us will fester and  become worse if left unacknowledged and unchecked. Unless we ‘make friends’ with our demons and gain knowledge of and mastery over them, they can become out of control.

How might we do this? How can we achieve awareness of ourselves, of who we really are?

Perhaps we might go into therapy or maybe we will learn in other ways about who we are and what makes us tick. We achieve personal growth through self-reflection, genuine feedback from those around us, self-questioning and curiosity about our inner world.

Psychotherapy, group therapy, real conversation with others, meditation, research and reading widely can all help in terms of developing clear and constructive ways of thinking and being.

Finding such new ways involves a willingness to take risks, valuing different viewpoints and not working on this in isolation. An open attitude, a lack of defensiveness and a desire to listen to the views of others will all help towards change and personal growth.

• Can we ‘forgive’ another’s darkness?

Haynes King Rba, (1831-1904) The Course Of True Love Never Did Run Smooth 

“Until we have seen someone’s darkness we don’t really know who they are. Until we have forgiven someone’s darkness, we don’t really know what love is.”

Marianne Williamson

This quotation is stating that, in order to love, we need to see the other, ‘warts and all’… to witness their darker aspects, and then, in time, we need to forgive them if we wish to continue with and develop the relationship.

There is, as I have said, a ‘monstrous’ aspect, or a ‘shadow side’ (Jung) to us all and we will, inevitably, find that this part of us comes to the fore at some points in any close relationship. Trying to ‘love’ this part of ourselves is hard enough, let alone expecting others to do so.  

It is, however, important that we learn to accept all the hidden aspects of our psyche, the parts we tend not to like in ourselves and others. Can we make a mental inventory of them, as if we were writing a job reference for ourselves, describing both the ‘good’ and ‘bad’ points?

We also need to be aware that, without these often less appealing aspects of ourselves, our ‘devils,’ we might come over as bland and uninteresting, lacking spirit, creativity and energy. Rilke, who suffered from much inner torment, was offered psychoanalysis, and he responded:

“Don’t take my devils away, because my angels may flee too.”

Rilke

He was right in what he said, we all need our ‘devilish’ parts to balance our ‘angelic’ aspects! But Rilke had obviously not quite grasped the true aims of psychoanalysis, which are to help us to embrace all parts of ourselves, including our shadow side, rather than eliminate them. Whilst difficult to achieve, managing these means that we will come to accept the fact that, for example, we might at times become angry, unreasonable or impatient.

Are we also able to forgive another person for revealing ‘unlikeable’ aspects of their personality? I guess the answer will be dependent both on the individual and the circumstances.

If people are able to work on themselves, to accept and control the ‘shadow’ aspects of the self, then this is more acceptable – and more forgivable- than continually acting out unworked through and unprocessed feelings.

It is important, however, to underline the fact that if we judge others for their ‘worst’ aspects, then this is likely to reflect the reality that we cannot allow ourselves to indulge in our own human frailties and are projecting feelings about these onto other people.

Love Song by the New Moon – Paul Klee. 1939. Wikioo.

“Nothing is perfect. Life is messy. Relationships are complex. Outcomes are uncertain. People are irrational.”

Hugh Mackay

Albert Müller – Couple Under Trees (The Artist and His Wife) [c.1922-23] Gandalf’s Gallery. Flickr.

“When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.”

Donald Miller

A love that survives everything, especially the bad times, is invaluable. Many relationships flounder when difficult things happen, because some problems or disasters can put too much strain on them and be too hard to bear. People can turn on each other at these times.

Edvard Munch (1863–1944), Ashes (1895),Wikimedia Commons.

“The art of love is largely the art of persistence.”

Albert Ellis

For a relationship to survive the tough periods, there needs to be a degree of resilience and staying power on both sides, as well as a firm commitment. Resilience is the capacity to withstand trouble and trauma, misfortune and crisis, and to be able to endure these and recover from them with fortitude and courage.

Being resilient is having the toughness to bounce back after difficult experiences, perhaps gaining more wisdom and strength as a result of surviving all the pain and distress. If there is enough genuine love, and an ability to refrain from blaming the other, then the chances are that the relationship will survive the storm.

“If someone is facing a difficult time, one of the kindest things you can do for him or her is to say, ‘I’m going to love you through this.'”

Molly Friedenfeld

The courage to continue caring for others is crucial, even in troubled times……especially in troubled times. It takes courage to turn one’s attention outwards, away from one’s own issues, and to empathise with others.

“Long before morning I knew that what I was seeking to discover was a thing I’d always known. That all courage was a form of constancy. That it is always himself that the coward abandoned first. After this all other betrayals come easily.”

Cormac McCarthy

• Disappointment and its importance in relationships.

How do high expectations affect relationships? If we expect too much of our partner, as we inevitably do, especially at the start of a relationship, that partner will inevitably fall short.

However, I do believe that, in every relationship, at some point there is disappointment to contend with. Hearts and flowers are all very well, but real, everyday life is often less romantic and more variable and inconsistent. There are, or course, highs and lows and shades of grey.

Happiness is not a constant feeling, yet some expect relationships to be a permanent rose garden. A bed of roses.

The Four Roses. Franz Dvorak. Late 1800’s. Wikimedia Commons.

Many enter a relationship or marriage with elaborate fantasies that have developed from life experience, literature, the internet, the media and from other people. Romantic notions and preconceptions of how loving relationships ‘should’ be crowd our consciousness.

Sometimes life with your partner might seem full of romantic promise; at others there may be feelings of dislike or hatred between you. More thorns than roses…….

If there are high expectations of perfection, there are likely to be considerable difficulties. Expecting the other to be perfect usually involves criticism, contempt and accusations of not being good enough.  However, there needs to be awareness of the fact that even though roses have thorns, and people have imperfections, these do not usually detract from their overall beauty.

We just need to be careful of the thorns and to be aware that nothing is flawless. (In any case, the thorns do have a purpose for the rose.)

“You’re not looking for perfection in your partner. Perfection is all about the ego. With soulmate love, you know that true love is what happens when disappointment sets in – and you’re willing to deal maturely with these disappointments.”

Karen Salmansohn

Instead of being critical and disapproving, can we learn to be grateful for and to the other person in a relationship, despite the ‘thorns’? It may be that the positive aspects of our partner will crowd out the negatives, bringing increased joy to both.

“When we focus on our gratitude, the tide of disappointment goes out and the tide of love rushes in.”

Kristin Armstrong

“Expectation has brought me disappointment. Disappointment has brought me wisdom. Acceptance, gratitude and appreciation have brought me joy and fulfilment.”

Rasheed Ogunlaru

• Managing Disappointment in Couple Therapy.

There are many couples who come for therapy feeling thoroughly disillusioned with each other. Therapy will usually partly be aimed at exploring expectations, tracing where these have come from, exploring feelings and refocussing on reality.

For example, it may be that one or both of the partners had an unhappy childhood and abusive or inadequate parenting. Then, people might search for an ‘ideal’ parental replacement in a partner. The unconscious wish is that unmet needs from childhood will be totally satisfied. This is, of course, a vain hope, in that we can never fully make up for what has been lost. We cannot be that needy child again.

However, it is possible to work towards meeting one’s unmet needs in a relationship in the present, as long as these are realistic. Sometimes, though, people are expected to be knights in shining armour, always protective, valiant, and coming to the rescue  after a traumatic past. This is, of course, a recipe for disappointment.

Edmund Blair Leighton.  God Speed (1900), Wikimedia Commons.

Others are expected to fit the ‘perfect’, stereotyped image of what a wife or husband ‘should’ be, whatever that is in the individual’s psyche. In a relationship where expectations are high, people will feel constantly dissatisfied, resenting the fact that the other cannot live up to their exacting standards.

This is about needing to control others, to fit them into a view of how they ought to be. It is often extended outside the relationship, to children, friends and colleagues.

If we expect perfection in others and wish for control , we will be projecting onto them our own thoughts about having to be ideal. We are imposing impossible behavioural criteria that we ourselves could never live up to.

We must question where these high expectations originated. Often, patterns of behaviour experienced as children become repeated in adulthood.

Expecting the other to be perfect usually involves criticism and accusations. Learning to negotiate, to be non-judgmental and open-minded, compromising and adapting, are ways someone with over-high expectations can address their problems.

Couples and individuals are helped in therapy to work through past disappointments. They are encouraged to explore how they project onto others and ultimately to take back their projections. Then, hopefully, they will be able to accept the other, warts and all.

Torsional Cubism Woman In Thought by David S. Soriano. 2023. Wikimedia Commons

“You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.”

Sam Keen

© Linda Berman