Louis Aston Knight (1873–1948) Cottage by the River. Wikimedia Commons

The fantasy of escape from the daily grind of life is a common one; who hasn’t dreamt at some point in their lives of escaping to a chocolate box scene in the country/by the sea/ abroad/ in another city, or wherever….

The truth about escaping yourself is, of course… it’s an impossibility.

We have all heard the cautionary phrase ‘Wherever you go, there you are,’ which is often thought to have originated with Confucius. It means that, no matter how far we travel, we cannot avoid taking ourselves with!

Vincent van Gogh – Seascape at Saintes-Maries (1888) Wikimedia Commons

“There are ships sailing to many ports, but not a single one goes where life is not painful.”

Fernando Pessoa

Travelling far and wide in an attempt to escape internal pain and tribulation will, ultimately, prove ineffective. Changing one’s external situation does little, if anything, to affect what is happening inside ourselves.

Suze Robertson (1855–1922) Alley with woman lit by a window. Wikimedia Commons

It will, of course, mean things will change if there is a principally external problem, such as living in poor conditions, or in an unsafe area;  however, if there are unresolved psychological issues going on inside us, then an external ‘new start’ will do little to alter such problems.

True, a new setting may feel refreshing and comforting for a while, but it really cannot alter one’s inner ‘landscape.’ What do I mean by this?

Whilst we may be unaware of it, we live in two connected worlds, the inner and the outer. Within our minds, there is a vast and complex internal world of our creation, both conscious and unconscious, a mixed blend of many aspects, including memories, dreams, beliefs, imaginings, experiences, fears, thoughts and feelings.

We are also firmly located in the world around us; the external landscape includes the entirety of our surroundings- our homes, workplaces, and the towns and countryside around us.

These inner and outer worlds are inextricably linked, forming a complex network of connections. 

Jean Metzinger – Woman with a Fan [1913] Gandalf’s Gallery, Flickr.

“This inner world is truly infinite, in no way poorer than the outer one. Man lives in two worlds.”

Carl Jung.

“Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”

Carl Jung

In the above quotations, Jung is reminding us that there are two levels, two different worlds in which we exist, both full of richness and great potential. He is also asserting that the only way we will be able to see clearly and wake up to reality is if we look inside at ourselves, into our own psyche, and not only at the world around us.

Unless we know ourselves, we will see others, and the outside world, through a lens clouded by our own imaginings, projections and distortions. In addition, we will be unaware of this bias, if we have not examined ourselves psychologically.

The world will appear extra dangerous and we will feel that we have absolutely no influence on what happens to us.

“Our most important choice in life, according to Epictetus, is whether to concern ourselves with things external to us or things internal. Most people choose the former because they think harms and benefits come from outside themselves.”

William Irvine

Seeing harm-or good things- coming only from the outside world is an avoidance tactic; it dodges personal responsibility and completely denies the existence of the unconscious part of ourselves. In doing this, we merely push away and repress problems and difficulties. Ultimately, however, we cannot escape them.

Self-Portrait. Between the Clock and the Bed. 1940-3. Wikimedia Commons

“I bear the wounds of all the battles I avoided.”

Fernando Pessoa

Our unresolved inner ‘battles’ will still leave their ‘wounds.’ For example, if we do not face the enormity of our grief and pain on losing someone close, then it is likely that such pain will emerge at some other time, or in some other form, such as mental or physical illness, relationship problems or behavioural problems.

“Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.”

Freud

Such ‘unexpressed emotions’ do not merely fade away, we cannot escape them by ‘ignoring’ or repressing them.

Rather than choosing to escape such feelings, when the time is right, it is important to give them space to be expressed and worked though, perhaps in therapy, if they feel too big to resolve in other ways.

“The opposite of depression is expression. What comes out of your body will never make you ill. What stays in there will.”

Edith Eger

It must be added that, whilst expression alone may be cathartic, it does not in itself ensure that depression is kept at bay. What is also important is to gain insight, understanding, and to work through the feelings associated with the memories.

Such working through in psychotherapy can involve recognising repeated thinking and behaviour patterns, (often revealed in  the way we relate to the therapist), exploring past experience and seeing how it has affected us in the present.

• Having said this, can we always live in a world of reality? Or do we sometimes need to escape into illusion and fantasy?

Whilst we can never escape ourselves, it is important at this juncture to point out that we do all need to escape in the sense of stepping away from ourselves on occasion. This will give us time out and more space to relax.

It is different from the kind of escape I have talked of above, and from other forms of defensive escape from the self, such as addictions, over-indulging in alcohol, food, drugs, or overwork.  

Sometimes, when things feel difficult, our dreams and fantasies are important, temporarily taking us on the magic carpet of our imagination to somewhere that feels peaceful and problem-free.

There are occasions when we need to lose ourselves in something creative, either engaging in our own work, or in the creativity of others. We may need to suspend disbelief and escape from the everyday into a novel, a story, a film, a play, or a concert. This needs to be immersive, all-consuming, so that we lose ourselves in the world of another. Doing this can be akin to re-booting a computer.

“Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.”

Anne Lamott

Perhaps a walk in the countryside, spending time in nature, doing some exercise or sport like hiking or swimming, will ‘reset’ you.

Alexander Eckener. Toni Eckener on the Beach Near Rinkenæs. 1900. Wikimedia Commons

“To escape and sit quietly on the beach – that’s my idea of paradise.”

Emilia Wickstead

“The hell with reality! Let’s have a whole bunch of cute little winding roads and cute little houses painted white and pink and baby blue; let’s all be good consumers and have a lot of Togetherness and bring our children up in a bath of sentimentality — and if old reality ever does pop out and say ‘Boo’ we’ll all get busy and pretend it never happened.”

Richard Yates

Sometimes, as Yates says, we need to escape the reality of our lives and the world around us and flee into art, film, novel, music …. whatever floats our boat in our personal fantasy world.

We all need to relax, take time out, have a holiday, immerse ourselves in wonder, discovery and illusion. If we always keep painful issues at the forefront of our minds, without distraction, we may be too disturbed to manage our daily life. At times, we may need to try to put these on the back-burner.

Our inner landscape has no limits, and, whilst, as I have said, it should not be seen as an escapist alternative to reality, it can enhance and improve a difficult situation, making it a little more bearable.

“Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality.”

Lewis Carroll

Meditation: Alexej von Jawlensky. 1918. Wikimedia Commons

“Reality can be beaten with enough imagination.”
Mark Twain

Losing ourselves in art is another kind of ‘escape.’

Anna Ancher: Young Woman Among Poppies. c.1910. Wikimedia Commons

“We have art in order not to die of the truth.”

Friedrich Nietzsche

The great philosopher is highlighting a profound reality; we all need some kind of art in our lives. If not art, we will surely find some other form of distraction that appeals to us.

“Without art, the crudeness of reality would make the world unbearable.”

George Bernard Shaw

Whether that is in the form of watching film or television, theatre, exercise, sport, getting lost in a gallery, painting, listening to or playing music, reading, writing… we need to immerse ourselves  in something that absorbs our attention, in order to re-find our ability to face the difficulties, the unpalatable ‘truths’ of life.

William Blamire Young. A Refuge from Reality. circa 1925.Wikimedia Commons.

“The work of art is an imaginary island surrounded by reality.”

José Ortega y Gasset

Such cultural experiences, and many others, are valuable in themselves, but they may also serve as a diversion, a necessary escape, when life is stressful.

They can be a great comfort to us, and a way of grounding ourselves; it is not about hiding away from reality, or denying it, but finding some precious relief in intellectual pursuits, beauty or fantasy.

“What people lack in life is not more reality but illusion, fantasy, play.”

Robert Greene

“The child destined to be a writer is vulnerable to every wind that blows. Now warm, now chill, next joyous, then despairing, the essence of his nature is to escape the atmosphere about him, no matter how stable, even loving. No ties, no binding chains, save those he forges for himself. Or so he thinks. But escape can be delusion, and what he is running from is not the enclosing world and its inhabitants, but his own inadequate self that fears to meet the demands which life makes upon it. Therefore create.”

Daphne Du Maurier

• A ‘creaturely fate’:Ultimately we will need to stay where we are and face reality…

Death and Life – 1916. Gustav Klimt. Wikioo

“Absolute power, as we have always known, corrupts absolutely; it corrupts because it does not do the trick for the individual. Reality always creeps in – the reality of our helplessness and our mortality; the reality that, despite our reach for the stars, a creaturely fate awaits us.”

Irvin D. Yalom

No matter how many art galleries, concerts, theatrical dramas or marathons we choose to lose ourselves in, no matter how much power, fame or prestige we have gained in life, we will all, inevitably, have to face the stark, inescapable truths of our human condition. We will not be able to continue for long in a state of pretence and fantasy.

Vanitas – Still Life (1625) by Pieter Claesz; Wikimedia Commons

What we cannot do, as Yalom wisely says, is to avoid the facts of existential reality; we all know at some level that we will meet ‘a creaturely fate,’ no matter how many stars we have reached for.

Knowing this, and adjusting to the reality of our mortality, will mean that we may enjoy life all the more, valuing every day of our limited life-span. We will not need to run and hide from such knowledge. If we are able to work through some of our fears of death, we will not only set a good model for our children, and for others, but also we will discover more about the world around us and the wonders it has to offer.

• Becoming comfortable with staying with the reality of our self

James Carroll Beckworth – Breck [1891] Gandalf’s Gallery. Flickr.

“Feeling real is more than existing; it is finding a way to exist as oneself… and to have a self into which to retreat for relaxation.”

Donald Woods Winnicott

Winnicott’s words beautifully complement those of Yalom, for, if we do manage to accept our allotted span on earth, without trying to escape this unpalatable reality, we can focus on ourselves and on developing ways of being that help us to relax and to feel comfortable in our own skin.

This is certainly not about being in denial…just the opposite in fact. It involves facing ourselves and who we are, warts and all; accepting our ‘weaknesses’ will mean we can forge a comfortable and peaceful place inside our minds… and have much less need to run away from ourselves and who we are.

If we constantly feel disturbed by our own anger, rage, feelings of vengeance or hatred, guilt, or painful thoughts, we will not be able to find that soothing area of sanctuary within ourselves and will feel the need to escape ourselves.

This is when we might contemplate having therapy, where we can move towards working on self-acceptance and resolving some of the issues that trouble us.

Henri Matisse – Meditation, Portrait of Laurette [1916-17]Gandalf’s Gallery. Flickr

“The real poetry and beauty in life comes from an intense relationship with reality in all its aspects. Realism is in fact the ideal we must aspire to, the highest point of human rationality.”

Robert Greene

If we can accept ourselves, then we can trust that we will have that safe space inside us, a calm, criticism-free oasis, knowing clearly that we are fully human, capable, strong and unique. Within us is a whole world of possibilities. 

“Anybody can run away and survive, the trick was to stay and survive”

Philip Roth

© Linda Berman