• ‘Healthy striving’ versus perfectionism

Christian Krohg. The Day After, Self-Portrait (1883). Wikimedia Commons.

“Understanding the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism is critical to laying down the shield and picking up your life. Research shows that perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it’s often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis.”

Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection

Do you find yourself exhausted from trying to get everything right, for yourself and others?

Often we might feel, quite mistakenly, that constantly working towards this perfectionist goal will ‘ensure’ that nothing goes wrong, and that it will eliminate feelings of failure and unpredictability in life.

This is quite a different way of being from ‘healthy striving,’ which involves a willingness to struggle and aspire towards achieving a goal, whilst being aware that we will not get everything right. It means that we will know that much of our efforts will involve ‘trial and error,’ that things will go wrong at times, but that we will be able to cope with this eventuality and with the uncertainty that inevitably accompanies all our efforts in life.

Not getting everything right makes us real and human, for there is beauty in our imperfections. The paradox inherent in the concept of imperfection is that it actually creates character, individuality and innovation.

What is beautiful about us as people is our humanity, our fallibility and our ability to accept our imperfections and those of others. Broken objects and broken people do not lose the beautiful aspects of themselves because they have flaws and scars. In fact, these ‘scars’ can enhance their beauty, for they tell us of suffering, of learning, and of healing…

Francis Danby. Disappointed Love. 30910. 1821. Wikimedia Commons

“There is no perfection, only beautiful versions of brokenness.”

Shannon L. Alder

We can, as a result of being over-conscientious, become more easily stressed, unwell and burnt out, obsessional, self-critical and dissatisfied. We may get caught up in trivial details, losing focus. Being too painstaking can also mean that we miss the simpler ways round problems, complicating our work and our lives, creating even more pressure and stress.

“Perfectionism is self-abuse of the highest order.”

Anne Wilson Schaef

If there has been undue pressure to get things right in childhood, accompanied by criticism, threats and/or punishment, then we may grow into adults who are afraid of judgement, hampered in our adult life by irrational thoughts, extreme fears or absurd superstitions.

Paul Louis Martin des Amoignes. In the Classroom (1886) Wikimedia Commons.

“Someday, maybe, there will exist a well-informed, well considered and yet fervent public conviction that the most deadly of all possible sins is the mutilation of a child’s spirit; for such mutilation undercuts the life principle of trust, without which every human act, may it feel ever so good and seem ever so right, is prone to perversion by destructive forms of conscientiousness.”

Erik Erikson

If we are over-conscientious, in,  for example, our leadership style, we may have an efficient team, but spontaneity and creativity will most likely be stifled beneath efforts to be hard working, neat, and on time.

“Perfectionism reduces creativity and innovation.”

Jim Kwik

Within a tightly ordered, fixed and controlled environment, some of us may be unable to experience the freedom that is necessary to creativity. Whilst being assiduous and attentive are, of course, important for all of us, these need not be achieved at the expense of creative thinking.

• Perfectionism and the need for control

Woman’s portrait by Alexej von Jawlensky.(1916) Wikimedia Commons

“In the guise of self-control, striving to be perfect offers a simulacrum of a sense of control.”

Pete Walker

Needing to achieve perfection is, for some, a way of feeling in control. However, as the quotation says, this is only a ‘simulacrum,’ a false imitation of being in control. It is a fooling of the self into thinking that there is control, when, in fact, beneath a controlling person’s behaviour is often a deep sense of fear and insecurity, at the prospect of life being uncertain and insecure. Such a way of being in the world will, inevitably, lead to pain and increased suffering.

“Maintaining the illusion that I am in control is futile, lonely, and in the long run always more costly than the effort is worth.”

Sheldon B. Kopp

We need to face the fact that we cannot control anything except parts of ourselves; this realisation can be a painful shock. Life throws many difficult experiences at us, personally and universally, no matter how much we try to exert power over the world.

Alexej von Jawlensky – Der Bucklige – G 13107. Wikimedia Commons. 1906.

“The most difficult thing to admit, and to realize with one’s whole being, is that you alone control nothing.”

Henry Miller

Life is highly unpredictable, and learning to accept this incontrovertible fact is difficult. As a result, we may develop control-related tactics to try and ward off such uncertainty, like attempting to make the world, and other people, comply with our wishes.

Of course, this will not make the slightest difference to the ever-changing nature and unpredictability of life. As I have said, the only aspects of our lives we can really control, and then only to some extent, are ourselves and the feelings and thoughts inside us.

Some people try to deal with their inner chaos by creating order around them, outside of themselves. They may be attempting to render everything spotlessly tidy, washing and cleaning obsessively, having little conscious awareness of feeling messy, disturbed or ‘bad’ inside.

The energy for facing such inner turmoil is thus re-routed into frantic external activity. Their surroundings will be immaculate and orderly, but the internal world, lodged firmly in the unconscious, will still remain untouched, disorderly, chaotic.

People who do this are living unconsciously, unaware of the internal chaos that drives them in their fruitless and distressing quest to ‘tidy’ themselves inside by scrupulously organising their outer world.

“People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own souls. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.”

Carl Jung

The fact is, the future is uncertain, unknown, unpredictable. We are not fortune-tellers and we have no crystal ball.

Life itself, as we all know too well, can and does present us with many harsh ups and downs along the way. We have all endured many difficulties in the past and mostly managed to get through them; and, as I have emphasised above, we need to remind ourselves of this fact, whatever the future might bring.

We cannot expect life to be without difficulties and problems, for this is not realistic, but we can tell ourselves that we do, realistically, have some control. It is important to recognise what we can control in our lives, and not always focus on the impossible.

“You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.”

Maya Angelou

We cannot change the fact that all of us are powerless to direct the universe, or alter this reality, and we need to come to understand that we only have limited control of life.

• Being good enough

“I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won’t have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren’t even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they’re doing it.”

Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird

This lovely quotation reminds us not to be too preoccupied with getting thing right, with not ‘stepping on the lines,’ with being very careful to hit the ‘right spot.’

The truth is, we all need to be able to let ourselves make mistakes. Others must have the same rights, without us interfering in their process, even if we think we know better. Children especially need this, to gain confidence and learn, and not to be afraid of dire consequences if they falter.

Children Playing in the Workshop. Konstantin Makovsky. c 1880.Public domain.

• Mistakes can be learning opportunities, not failures.

C.W. Eckersberg – A View through Three Arches of the Third Storey of the Colosseum. 1815. Wikimedia Commons

 “Mistakes are the portals of discovery.”

James Joyce

Unexpected mistakes are opportunities for learning, producing many possibilities:

“Knowledge rests not upon truth alone, but upon error also.”

Carl Jung

Learning from our mistakes involves trying to understand where and how we went wrong; this contributes to experience and knowledge. We do not have to be perfect, and there is no need to get it all right, but it is important to recognise and own our mistakes. Denying responsibility will mean there is no learning or moving forward into further experimenting.

“By our stumbling, the world is perfected.”

• Mistakes do not define you. Let them go. Try again.

“We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are here now with the power to shape your day and your future.”

Steve Maraboli

Mistakes can make us feel stupid and vulnerable. Perhaps, as children, we were ridiculed or punished for getting our sums wrong, colouring outside the lines, or making spelling errors.

Let’s look at this differently. Spelling or maths mistakes might be regarded as attempts to learn. Colouring outside the designated lines could make us more innovative or creative.The ‘mistakes’ of childhood can lead to creativity if not over ‘corrected.’

• If we do not make mistakes, we will not experiment

“Mistakes are, after all, the foundations of truth, and if a man does not know what a thing is, it is at least an increase in knowledge if he knows what it is not.”

Carl Jung

A high amount of conscientiousness bordering on perfectionism can sometimes be dangerous to ourselves. It can have unhelpful consequences and negative outcomes. Being over-conscientious may result in a compulsive aiming for an impossible perfection, in slowing down the process of our work and in making us feel we have failed. We can neither attain our own high standards, nor please everybody around us.

We may also be used and taken advantage of, in our efforts to do things ‘properly.’ All this is not good for our health and wellbeing.

• Creativity and the need to practice

Leonid Pasternak – The Passion of Creation. 1892. Wikimedia Commons

“Perfectionism doesn’t believe in practice shots. It doesn’t believe in improvement. Perfectionism has never heard that anything worth doing is worth doing badly–and that if we allow ourselves to do something badly we might in time become quite good at it. Perfectionism measures our beginner’s work against the finished work of masters. Perfectionism thrives on comparison and competition. It doesn’t know how to say, “Good try,” or “Job well done.” The critic does not believe in creative glee–or any glee at all, for that matter. No, perfectionism is a serious matter.”

Julia Cameron, Finding Water: The Art of Perseverance

The saying ‘practice makes perfect’ is an over-exaggeration; practice will certainly improve our knowledge, skills and performance, but we will never achieve total perfection at all times. The myth of achieving perfection is a pervasive one; we can make wonderful progress through practice, but we need to be careful not to set ourselves unrealistic goals of perfection.

Edward Okuń – Musica Sacra 1915. Wikimedia Commons

“Progress is more important than perfection.”

Simon Sinek

• Acceptance

Alexei von Jawlensky – Spring – 896-1983 – 1912. Wikimedia Commons

“There are some things I can’t control, & that’s just the way it is.” 

 Susane Colasanti

Accepting the truth that we do not have total control of life is somehow freeing. If we stop trying to control things, we will discover that we are more able to live and enjoy life and appreciate what we do have.

It is through this acceptance of the human condition, that we are, paradoxically, more at liberty to change ourselves and to have some impact on the world around us.

Konstantin Somov. Portrait of Ostroumova Lebedeva. 1909. Wikimedia Commons

“On this sacred path of Radical Acceptance, rather than striving for perfection, we discover how to love ourselves into wholeness.”

Tara Brach

In addition, accepting ourselves is crucial; loving ourselves despite our imperfections and weaknesses will mean that we can be happier and be much more able to accept others around us, ‘warts and all.’

“I don’t know a perfect person. I only know flawed people who are still worth loving.”

John Green

Perhaps we can also learn to laugh at ourselves!…

The Laughing Fool, by an unknown artist from Netherlands (active in 1500s)

“To be a learner, you’ve got to be willing to be a fool.”

George Leonard, Mastery: The Keys to Success and Long-Term Fulfillment