Winslow Homer – The Gulf Stream. 1899. Wikimedia Commons

“A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor.”

African Proverb

Life, inevitably, involves ups and downs, highs and lows, the best and the worst. Sometimes, this can feel difficult, perhaps too difficult for some. Taking the rough with the smooth is not easy, but it is a central task for us all in life. We are constantly presented with a jumble of experiences, triggering all kinds of contradictory thoughts and feelings inside us, which can be formidably oppressive and confusing.

The novelist Charles Dickens perfectly sums this up in his opening to A Tale Of Two Cities, which described the chaotic situation at the time of the French Revolution in 1859.

Tale of Two Cities, by Phiz. Wikimedia Commons

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.”

Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities

It was ever thus. Simultaneously, the world is both wonderful and terrible. We are met with the most awesome of paradoxes, seemingly unsurmountable inconsistencies, incongruity and instability.

How on earth can we manage this mixture of experiences? Shouldn’t life be more consistently smooth?

Is there a way to cope with these opposing experiences that can give us a greater sense of integration and wholeness, without feeling confused, split and fragmented whenever we think about them?

Traversing the path of life is inevitably going to give us a bumpy ride. Life itself, as we all know too well, can present us with many misfortunes and vicissitudes along the way. How can we best negotiate these bumps along the road of life and integrate them into our everyday experiences?  In this post I reflect on this and related issues.

Let us begin by considering three pointers, exploring some of the ways of thinking that may be helpful in this regard.

1. We cannot achieve great things without some difficulties

François Barraud – L’Atelier. 1928. Wikimedia Commons

“Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.”

Theodore Roosevelt

Any really good achievement, big or small, requires hard work and problems to be solved. Knowing this, and really understanding it, will help us to cope with feelings of being weighed down by the pressures of daily life.

It is also important to remind ourselves that we will learn from the difficult times. A life without problems may actually create hardship for us, in that we will not learn how to manage the inevitable painful experiences that do, at some time in life, befall us all. We will not acquire wisdom and fortitude.

“We often cause ourselves suffering by wanting only to live in a world of valleys, a world without struggle and difficulty, a world that is flat, plain, consistent.”

bell hooks

However painful they may be, we all do need to learn from the problems we encounter, for these can teach us so much.

“It is a rough road that leads to the heights of greatness.”

Seneca

Without them, life would be like a monotonous and uneventful highway, with no twists and turns, no interesting sights or experiences, no colourful, scenic contrasts. Disquieting as they may be, we would not learn how to live, relate or function without these difficulties.

In reality, the rough and the smooth are two sides of the same coin. They cannot be separated in life…

“Some of you say, “Joy is greater than sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.”

But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.”

Kahlil Gibran

Life is never about complete joy, or total sorrow. When things are painful, there is sometimes comfort to be gained in the knowledge that nothing lasts. Even in a joyful time, we still have the awareness that nothing abides forever, good or bad, and we need to bear in mind that things will change.

2. It is important to accept the inevitability of experiencing both the good and the bad in life

The Good and Evil Angels. 1795. William Blake. Wikimedia Commons

“Your destiny is bound with the destinies of others. You must either learn to carry the Universe or be crushed by it. You must grow strong enough to love the world, yet empty enough to sit down at the same table with its worst horrors.”

Anthony Boyd

A life without changes in circumstances does not reflect reality. Only in fairytales (or on social media!) do people live ‘happily ever after.’ If we believe this can happen, then we are living under the illusion that life can be like fiction.

The reality is that the world constantly presents us with a mélange of experiences, a mixture of both good and bad, with these sometimes occurring close together.

“The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater.”

J.R.R. Tolkien

For example, the death of a parent in our twenties or thirties may soon be followed by the birth of a child. We will need a considerable amount of maturity to cope with the plethora of contrasting and contradictory feelings involved, feelings that may painfully conflict with each other. Grief at such a loss can coincide with joy and happiness at the prospect of new life. We cannot predict what will happen in the future, and life will continue both to shock and amaze us with its unpredictabilities.

“When we are not sure, we are alive.”

Graham Greene

What is the meaning of this quotation? Why does being uncertain mean that we are alive?

Greene is referring to the fact that life is about uncertainty, about not being sure, and without this we would stagnate, becoming worn and stale. Uncertainty – and contradiction- is a part of the intricately woven tapestry of life and whether we like it or not, we must live with this sometimes uncomfortable fact.

“The sad truth is that man’s real life consists of a complex of inexorable opposites—day and night, birth and death, happiness and misery, good and evil. We are not even sure that one will prevail against the other, that good will overcome evil, or joy defeat pain. Life is a battleground. It always has been and always will be; and if it were not so, existence would come to an end.”

C.G. Jung, Man and His Symbols

If everything were ‘sure,’ and clear, uncomplicated and without paradox or incongruity, then there would be no development, no curiosity, no growth and no need to choose anything. The certainty would preclude true living, life would be monotonous and mechanical, insipid, shallow, and predictable. We would be lacking adventure, devoid of expectation, flux and excitement.

“Certainty is the enemy of change.”

Salvador Minuchin

There would be no discovery, no creativity, no difference of opinion, no doubt, nothing unknown.

“The psychic task which a person can and must set for himself is not to feel secure, but to be able to tolerate insecurity.”

Erich Fromm

Being able to remain grounded when things are uncertain is, indeed a precious skill for everyone.

Life is unpredictable; we cannot know what is round the corner, and whether it will bring good or bad times for us. However, developing a capacity not to know and to stay with feelings of uncertainty can be a highly creative, confidence-building and freeing experience.

Having an awareness that ‘safety is always an illusion’ is also important. However much we might try to avoid this fact, or deny that life is precarious and uncertain, if we do not have knowledge and wisdom in this regard, we will have difficulties managing the mixture of good and bad experiences with which life presents us. This dilemma is part of the human condition…

“Most of us, no matter what we say, are walking in the dark, whistling in the dark. Nobody knows what is going to happen to him from one moment to the next, or how one will bear it. This is irreducible. And it’s true of everybody. Now, it is true that the nature of society is to create, among its citizens, an illusion of safety; but it is also absolutely true that the safety is always necessarily an illusion.”

James Baldwin

We cannot avoid the problems in the world and in our own lives; getting through is about managing the ‘worst horrors’ without becoming overwhelmed or crushed by them. In order to do this we need to develop certain strengths…

3. It is crucial that we learn to develop courage and resilience in life

Courage. Francis Picabia. 1947 Public domain image.Wikiart.org.

“You shall be free indeed when your days are not without a care nor your nights without a want and a grief, but rather when these things girdle your life and yet you rise above them naked and unbound.”

Khalil Gibran

Our world is broken in many ways. Even in relatively peaceful and happy times, there will still be tragedy and disease, for life is never perfect. In order to manage all this, it is crucial that we work on developing courage and resilience. We need to learn to be resilient and strong enough to bear the pains of existing in this world, to become aware that we need to embrace life with all its brokenness an imperfections.

Can we remain compassionate even when life faces us with distress and cruelty? Can we be realistic when things are going well, not getting carried away, knowing that we can cope with whatever life throws at us in the future?

Over time, some things can be mended. Tyrants can be defeated. Relationships can be healed. Reparation can be achieved. However, there will still be scars and painful memories, which we all have to learn to live with, even when life is good.

It is important to remember that the phoenix can rise from the ashes, new can be made from the old and from the remnants of past lives. Despite the distress that we see all around, there is still beauty and joy in the world. Noticing, we learn to feel gratitude for nature’s bounties.

“In a dark time, the eye begins to see.”

Theodore Roethke

Edward Burne-Jones. Love Among the Ruins. 1894. Wikimedia Commons

“Do not be dismayed by the brokenness of the world. All things break. And all things can be mended. Not with time, as they say, but with intention. So go. Love intentionally, extravagantly, unconditionally. The broken world waits in darkness for the light that is you.”

L.R. Knost

Spreading light through love is a very powerful way of addressing the problem of human brokenness, and of managing the pain that is inevitably around us, using the good in ourselves to create healing and repair. Loving and being loved changes people, making them feel more whole and less fragmented.

“Love cures people – both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it.”

Karl A. Menninger

“Beautiful are those whose brokenness gives birth to transformation and wisdom.”

John Mark Green

We are, all of us, beset by uncertainties in life. Despite the uncertainty and lack of control, we all know that life can be full of interest and excitement:

“I think what makes people fascinating is conflict, it’s drama, it’s the human condition. Nobody wants to watch perfection.”

Nicolas Cage

Life is an unpredictable blend of happiness and sadness, conflict and peace.With this awareness, that despite tragedy, life can still hold beauty for us, we are helped to be strong and resilient and to have the courage to face the limitations of our human condition…

Working to achieve psychological and physical strength and wellness is the way to cope with the vicissitudes of life. So rather than wanting an easy life, perhaps we need to develop new ways of thinking which are focussed on developing the strength to cope with the reality that life is NOT easy for any of us.

“It is always the tough times that forge your character.”

 Manoj Arora, ‘Dream On.’

The garden at the asylum at Saint-Rémy – Vincent Van Gogh. 1889. Wikimedia Commons

“Grief can be the garden of compassion. If you keep your heart open through everything, your pain can become your greatest ally in your life’s search for love and wisdom.”

 Rumi

We may be powerless to direct the universe, yet accepting this is somehow freeing. If we stop avoiding the hard aspects of life, we will discover that we are more able to live and enjoy our time on earth. It is through this acceptance of the human condition, that we are, paradoxically, freer to make the most of our lives in every way.

With the awareness, that despite not being easy, life can still hold beauty for us, we are helped to be strong and resilient enough to face the limitations of our human condition.

Knowing that so much depends on our attitude to life is crucial; I will end this post with a selection of thought-provoking quotations and powerful images to help further communicate my message…

Outburst of Fear (1939) – Paul Klee. Wikimedia Commons

“Much of what we call evil can often be converted into a bracing and tonic good by a simple change of the sufferer’s inner attitude from one of fear to one of fight.”

William James

“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new lands but in seeing with new eyes.”

 Marcel Proust

Charles West Cope – The Thorn. 1886. Wikimedia Commons

“Life is thickly sown with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them. The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us.”

Voltaire

Christian Schad – Sonja [1928] Gandalfs’s Gallery, Flickr.

“Everyone – and that includes therapists as well as patients – is destined to experience not only the exhilaration of life, but also its inevitable darkness: Disillusionment, ageing, illness, isolation, loss, meaninglessness, painful choices, and death.”

Irvin D. Yalom

Ivan Aivazovsky . Sailing Ship on a Calm Sea by Moonlight. 1897. Wikimedia Commons

“If you’re going through difficult times today, hold steady. It will change soon. If you are experiencing smooth sailing and easy times now, brace yourself. It will change soon. The only thing you can be certain of is change.”

James C. Dobson

© Linda Berman